I dated one of my high school teachers for four years.

In junior year of high school my boyfriend dumped right before prom, I was really upset about it. Soon after I met a teacher at my school, I'll call him Ryan. At first we were just talking, and then we were talking online, and then we were seeing each other outside of school IRL. One day we started getting physical.

Under the guise of private lessons he came to my house, meeting my parents in the process. I also went to his house on occasion to baby sit (yes, he is married with children).

Fast-forward: I'm now in college, I recently broke up with him because he was becoming manipulative and controlling. He still talks to my mom, to keep her company, but its causing problems between my mom and I. She likes to ask me why I'm ignoring him, etc. I feel like she isn't on my side. Actually, I feel like both of them are being completely irrational because they seem to think that the relationship had a future.

I feel like I have liberated myself, which is good, obviously. But I also feel like I'll never find a lover as skilled, like I'll never be able to talk to my mom about relationships, and like I'll never find a meaningful relationship because of the ways my point of view has been skewed by this experience.

I just want to have a normal life. I'm afraid to have more than hookups because of my fears about emotional closeness.

Side-plot: My senior year of high school I lost almost all of my close friends. They saw what was going on and tried to warn me, but I pushed them away. It was completely my fault but I dont know how to talk to them and reconnect. I'm still friends with them on face book but we haven't really spoken. This is my biggest regret, that I lost these wonderful people..

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice here or if I just want to get this off my chest. But thanks in advance for any feedback you do give me.