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I'm sorry that this might not be the comment you're looking for but while I see much potential and careful style in the first three lines, I don't understand them in the context of the fourth line. The first three lines liken words, poems, and writing to romanticized meteorological imagery, which I quite like. You say a lot in three lines, and the style, old timey, isn't overdone. It works. But that last line feels completely out of place. Introducing a person (I) in the last line is fine, but the cotton candy bars doesn't make sense, unless it's a reference I'm missing. I know you're probably trying to go for a punchy finish, and I like that, but I find the lack of congruency between the last line and the previous three to be distracting from the message you're trying to give me. Let me know your thoughts and if you do decide to make some changes, I'll be happy to take another look. I do think that, together, your first three lines work well together.

Cheers :)

I'll chime in on this, because I liked the poem.. for the most part?   
It promises elegance and a certain beauty to the first three lines, but then.. cotton candy bars just kind of breaks it? I noticed you wanted it to be offputting, so I see what you were -going- for. I would still seek for a more fitting way to be ridiculous. 

&#x200B;

>run like rhyme in lightning through stars

\- We'll be together cursing the gods  
\- running naked across their yards  
\- quoted up from in the new age psalms   
\- walnuts in a bag of pecans   


  
just some ideas? if you wish to go for a poetry style that offsets the most used style, I think it's difficult to get away with here. You'd need some more length, and subtlety. Something that -looks- like it belongs, but doesn't.

I like the lyric of the poem but I think what isn't sticking is that as a reader you there is no ground to stand on. To further explain, where are we like give us a point of view, what is going on with the overall idea of the poem like what are you trying to convey. I think the poem needs more meat to it. However, if you do keep it the same line length I would suggest changing the fourth line into something that maybe has some focus on weather but tying into a significant other.  Other than that I enjoyed it!!



Words like needles rain fire in the night

Meaning o’r pastures graze silent under sky

Run like rhyme in lightning through stars

I’ll be with you in the cotton candy bars


[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vjguwk/selflove_is_eternal/idjna6w/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3)


[2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vjerpz/changed/idjmh94/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3)