Longing

(Postscript: I was going to post this earlier, in which case I would have been the first to comment, but got distracted by a game of "Hex Flower Monopoly" a little into point 3; please excuse any redundancies/lack of awareness of things said by other commenters.)

Ordinarily I wouldn't know where to begin critiquing something like this (i.e. free verse), but here I find my task eased by familiarity; but to proceed. I'll start by saying that while I think I've got a decent understanding of this poem now, the first couple of times I read it I kept getting "faked out" in terms of both the intended tone and the actual events described. In particular, there are a number of strange transitions that repeatedly threw me off:

1. The "transition" into the poem itself -- "To be a hind, heedless of a little death, coming / out of the tall grass..." Obviously "little death" and "coming" are double entendres, but while their inner meaning is clear enough, the outer meaning of "little death" especially remains unclear. Why "little" (besides for the entendre)? Most predators certainly aren't "little," and while understanding the phrase to refer to a missile would produce a slyly Freudian scenario, the bathos inherent in such a possibility (it reminds me of something a Land Before Time character might say: "Help! The Little-death is coming!") seems to rule it out. The only other option, barring the thematically-inappropriate arrival of a venomous snake, is to construe it as figurative only, but that entails the loss of an opportunity for real scene-setting at the beginning of the poem (which is never really made up for), leaving our hind floating in a grassy void until she stoops to drink; not to mention that to speak of "a little death" as one might speak of "a little rain" both jars with the established tonal register of "heedless" and captures something of the same bathos as the missile-kenning.
2. "You, riding high in the saddle..." The preceding stuff about the "how the muscles ripple down my back" sets this up so obviously as a coded reference to the sexual position that I was almost blindsided to find I was actually meant to take it seriously as a development of the narrative. It didn't help that the rider is described as having "cuspids flashing," which set me in mind of some sort of apex predator (to be fair, I happened to be thinking about Dryden's "Hind and the Panther" immediately before reading this), which would continue the hunting theme just as well, rather than an actual person on a horse; I'm still not entirely sure what the teeth are supposed to be referring to, but the riding crop at least cements the humanity of the one described.
3. "do not be quick / about the stripping of my coat; // for I want to feel you as only myths allow..." This stanza transition feels really abrupt, in that flaying is used to lead into a kind of sensual caress very distant from it; the metaphor is just too strained for me to buy into it. Looking back I can see that this statement of the narrator's might instead be a request to postpone the flaying until after the narrator has had a chance to savor the other figure's grappling (since their sense of touch will presumably depart with their skin), but that interpretation causes the action of stripping to become temporally displaced, spoken of to seemingly little purpose long before its actual accomplishment. Or "coat" could refer solely to a garment worn by the narrator, but that runs into the same problem as "little death" before, in that it sacrifices a literal for a figurative meaning, and anyway if the "coat" were a garment the narrator would presumably want it stripped off sooner rather than later.

I guess my main criticism of this poem overall is that it seems at times to get so lost in its allegorical meaning that the surface narrative suffers for it; currently the exterior of the poem appears as a confused account of some generic royal hunt, one that feels unwontedly shadowy and sad at that (where's all the pageantry of the chase -- the hounds, the horns, the ridiculous costumes, etc.?).

But I've carped enough at this; the very fact that I was able to do so means that almost everything I haven't mentioned must be very well done (if it weren't I wouldn't have singled out the specific elements I have, nor bothered with the poem at all in all likelihood). In particular, the odd tone achieved through the blending of laconic, semi-formal language and allusive obliquity, at once stiff and unsure of itself, gives an uncannily intimate feeling to the whole thing; it captures very well the utter surrender of the narrator to their lover, and while I personally find it uncomfortable to read -- I feel as though I've been going through someone else's love letters, and at "snickering red foxes" as though I've pried into their very thoughts -- that may just be some residual prudery on my part (I was once a worshipper of Diana), and there can be no disputing that it's masterfully constructed. Moreover, while I know little of free-verse technique, a number of enjambments here stand out as serving a definite purpose: l. 1 emphasizes "coming," l. 5 keeps "water" and "ripple" (in different contexts) on the same line, l. 7 balances "high" against "crouched," etc.

I leave it to others to say more; I have long since lost my train of thought.

First thought: YOOOO, THIS FUCKS

Your first line sets up the conceit of the poem perfectly, introducing the prey, the hunt, and the overarching conflation of sex and violence. I had to look up "hind" in this context, but the alliteration with "heedless" works well. Loved the double entendre of "a little death, coming."

"freckled" - this threw me off. I can't tell if the anthropomorphization is deliberate here, but I can't help but feel like "dappled" is more suitable.

"I want to feel your eyes on me as I lower my head" - more great use of enjambment to create double entendre

"smirk crouched / at the corner of your mouth" - loved the use of "crouched" here, as if ready to strike. The viscerality of "cuspids flashing between your lips" works well here.

I'm not sure what the purpose of the "follow snickering red foxes [...]" clause is; I feel like it distracts from the density of double entendre in the rest of the poem, unless there's something I'm missing.

"for I want to feel you as only myths allow," Enkidu, Jacob - the sheer extent of this desire, the desperation in the run-on sentence - nice. Great transition to "and let us strain until daybreak." Referencing Gilgamesh here feels almost primordial.

"and if a hip socket slips" - the sudden mundane realism of this threw me off after all that allusion. I think "leaves me limping" works well - again, more double entendre - but the cause of the limp ruins the mood, even though slipped hips do happen during nsfw activities.

The ending was a little too on-the-nose; I feel like the poem would have ended more strongly on "feast" as a conclusion to the hunt.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. Amazing double entendre. Very creative mixing of sex, power, and violence. Thank you for sharing!

I love your use of this phrase “for I want to feel you as only myths allow”. How did those words come to you? They capture so much and give such unbridled permission to play and explore and take everything in. Exquisite beauty, thank you!

Really quite enjoyed this. Very visceral and animalistic. I agree with most of the other commenters points, about which parts worked and which parts didn't.

beneath skin freckled with half light

I'm fine with the choice of 'freckles.' I wasn't before I found out that a 'hind' is a red deer. After googling that, freckled I think works well. It's a very innocent word that juxtaposes the ferocity of the hunter.

that power can belong to you

Really like this line. Hits me every time.

follow snickering red foxes

who understand the play of shadows through the firs.

Yeah, the this line kind of threw me a little. It didn't seem to consolidate any of the images/themes you'd set forth.

Enkidu

I like this reference. Had to Google Enkidu, but I found out he was a sort of bull-man in the mythology, which ties in very nicely with the semantic field you've planted. Very primordial and animalistic.

and if a hip socket slips and leaves me limping

I think using 'hip' is fine (especially with the whole Jacob connection you pointed out), but I think 'slips' might be too soft a word. A verb more visceral and violent might work better.

—as much as your noblesse demands,

so, too, do I long to submit.

Agree with the previous commenter. The ending was a bit on-the-nose. I think could be done without.

This was a great read. Thanks for sharing.

There is a weird structural thing going on in the syntax and I think it's deliberate, but I'm not sure. What's going on? Well there is " the muscles ripple down my back " and similarly , "the cuspids flashing between your lips", allow me to draw the parallels. It starts with the definitive article then it moves to a physical feature, then a transitive verb is used, next is a preposition, after that a determiner adjective, and finally a physical feature.

So given that syntax it's possible to arrange any combination to echo this quality in the writing, the curls cuddle along my earlobe, the nails glance across your elbow, etc.

I don't know if it's deliberate though I suspect it is, but as to what is structured, the action, is so rigid that it makes me believe the motive was for some effect. Perhaps the poet thought it sounds good to have that delivery. It's formulaic, and the content is highly thematic for erotica: muscles, back, a special kind of teeth cupid I mean cuspid, and lips. One could imagine a similar line about some erogenous zone like the neck.

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