Source
r/OCPoetry•
basra_boi_1428

The Perfect Day

Poem

I just hope for a day,

When all my worries would cease to exist,

When all my dreams would be fulfilled,

When I would hug her with all my might,

When we would write a story so beautiful,

Even fairy tales would be shy of it.

I just hope for the day,

When she would finally be mine,

When we would love each other more than ourselves.

I just hope for this day,

To come before I lay to rest forever.

PS: this is my first time writing a poem so please bare with it. Any constructive criticism is welcome🙃

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Posted Jun 26, 2022, 6:55 PM UTC

139
shenanigans2day•

It’s a lovely poem. It invoked validation for my longing

5
SolWishing12•

I like the innocence you portray in this poem - it's like a sweet little breeze, with a hopeful desire.

I do think your usage of commas is a tad bit excessive, and it disrupts the flow of reading. Line breaks possess a natural sort of pause - which punctuation can further accent - so be careful on how you use commas. Be deliberate, but not excessive.

Not a bad first writing; in the future, I would recommend reading through your own work and pay attention to the rhythm and flow.

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basra_boi_1428OP•

I should not use commas after every line. Is that right?

1
SolWishing12•

You do not have to. Line breaks in a poem help with creating a natural pause, so it is a choice, but excessive punctuation can hurt your poem if you're not careful.

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basra_boi_1428OP•

Ohhk IG i understand now. Thank you for your valuable feedback.

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intergalacticpoet•

This is such a sweet poem!! My favorite lines are “when I would hug her with all my might, when we would write a story so beautiful, even fairy tales would be shy of it”. The line about the hug is so visual that it takes me from just reading the poem and sucks me into a daydream which makes everything after it more vivid and impactful. I also notice you have a structure going on of lines that begin with “I just hope” and “when” and the I just hope lines kind of split the poem into sections without extra line breaks and the lines that begin differently stand out to the reader. Maybe you did this on purpose but if you didn’t notice it it’s a technique you can use for future poems as well as a good way to draw the reader to certain lines. This was great and I wouldn’t have known it was your first ever poem if you didn’t say anything, nice job and kudos to you for having the courage to post your first piece of work.

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basra_boi_1428OP•

Thank you so much. Your comment made me smile in this day of gloom.🙂

Edit: there was a typo, I wrote connent instead of comment.

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intergalacticpoet•

Aw I’m glad! I hope you keep writing, it’s a great way to get through those gloomy days and you’re great at it.

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