Heligoland
You stare out the viewport
On the ship that you're sailing
Closing your eyes
She is there at the railing
The wind blows hard
As the waves are fading
And you know that the ocean is there in her eyes
You remember her sleeping
On the bus on the highway
And you hang to the words that she said at the old bay
Dreaming for a minute,
Upon laterns that don't sway
There in the space she will never be known
She holds your camera
As the guitar is playing
You hope she will hang on to
Whatever your saying
And you catch yourself thinking
It's just a game that you're playing
But you know that the shore in her eyes soon will dry
The first night on the harbour
A cold chill was raining
You look up at the highlands
But your senses are failing
You know she will always
Be somewhere remaining
Amidst the flowers, on the cliffs she will lie
And you drink up your coffee and sigh
And:
Posted Jun 26, 2022, 10:35 PM UTC
I’m extremely new to this, so please take anything I say with a grain of salt.
Wind blowing hard seems to indicate either that a storm is still blowing, or is getting worse; but waves fading seems to indicate that the storm is passing or losing power. Seems contrary, but maybe that’s intended; the storm is still there, but it’s getting easier?
I think “she’ll” instead of “she will” might fit your rhythm more easily.
Raining, failing, remaining. Maybe Raining, straining, remaining?
Overall, I really like the tone. I don’t know how to explain it, but I think the rhythm of the poem works really well with the ocean imagery to provide the impression of sadness and loneliness at sea. It’s steady and rocking, but doesn’t come across as too singsong. Nice work.
You make some excellent points that I missed. You say you're new at this, but it seems like excellent feedback.
Thanks! That’s really encouraging.
Thank you for the thourough analysis. As it happens very often, you thought much more deeply about this stuff than I did. As to the criticisms I think their very valid. I might change it up a little.