Source
r/dating_advice•
DriveSlowHomie

Is having a weight standard dating toxic? Especially when you’re overweight yourself?

Ok, I know I’m kicking the hornet’s nest here. But I’m curious. What does everyone think of having a weight standard when it comes to dating?

Personally, as someone who is overweight, but currently losing weight (6’1” and 245 pounds, male, was around 280 at my peak), I don’t have an issue dating a girl who is a bit overweight like I am if I like her otherwise. However, when I see women who are very overweight (like, 200+ pounds), I usually instantly swipe left.

I think one reason is that I’m worried about their lifestyle. I’m putting a bunch of effort into losing weight right now and I don’t know if I want to date someone who lives a lifestyle that leads to obesity. And of course, physical attraction is usually not as easy for me when someone is very large.

However, I feel pretty shitty about having this standard, I won’t lie. It makes me feel shallow and gross, especially since I dated skinnier girls even at my heaviest. So clearly they weren’t as shallow as me. But at the same time, I’m sure I’ve been looked over by lots of women because of my weight, so what’s the big deal right?

What does Reddit think? Am I a huge asshole? Massive hypocrite? Should I give larger women a chance even if I’m turned off by their lifestyle an appearance?

Posted Jun 28, 2022, 6:09 PM UTC

031
Manners2210•

Go after what you’re attracted to. We all like what we like and whilst there’s this cute “give them a chance” brigade out there, which is noble in principle, you don’t entertain someone you’re not drawn to, it’s a waste of time. I mean, the weight thing with you being a certain weight does make me raise an eyebrow, and maybe speaks of hypocrisy (especially if they’re on a similar journey to you) but again, you don’t force yourself to want what you don’t want. Shallow? Yes, hypocrisy? It is what it is

6
DriveSlowHomieOP•

I will say, I’d definitely be more open to dating someone if they were on a similar journey.

And I have dated women and would date women who are similarly overweight. In fact, my preferred body type is probably slightly overweight tbh

2
HomoFailens•

That's very common and toxic. People who wouldn't date a person like themselves.

4
DriveSlowHomieOP•

I would date a person who is similarly overweight to me. But not more overweight tbh.

6
HomoFailens•

You can do whatever you want but don't complain if thinner people reject you as well because you are fatter than them.

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DriveSlowHomieOP•

I don’t complain about that. Most women don’t want to date a fat guy either. Fine by me.

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[deleted]•

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TheTenderRedditor•

Idk man, 245lb guy and a 200lb girl sounds about even. Both are 60-80lbs overweight.

It would be different if you or the hypothetical girl were a seasoned powerlifter/bodybuilder but Im assuming that's not the case.

1
DriveSlowHomieOP•

I guess it depends on the height. Anyway it’s just a rough estimate lol, it’s not like im weighing girls before I date them.

1
TheTenderRedditor•

I know you're not out there weighing girls lol

But as a guy who is personally obsessed with everything related to fitness... Biking, swimming, running, hiking, rowing, lifting, skating, snowboarding, soccer, etc.

I have dated some girls who are not "visually fit"... I dated a girl who was my exact size: 6'0 190lbs, and while she obviously wasn't lean an muscular like myself, she wasn't fat or out of shape. She just had a huge frame, still womanly in shape, but the overall size of a seriously well grown man.

She was strong as hell and I'm sure she'd trim up quite nicely if she wasn't a softball player focused on training for more power.

A lot of the really fit girls I've met are bigger. Just like most of my fit friends are guys more your size than mine.

There are "bigger fit people" and idk what your physique is like, but there are many 5'9-6'3 dudes who are clinically overweight, and have plenty of dough to keep them warm in winter.

It would be possible to be your height and weight, and still be relatively fit if you had large muscles.

Those guys who are 6'1 230lbs and strong like bulls typically look like generic fatasses.

Women of that "big and strong" variety at 200lbs also tend to not be visually distinct from women who don't have developed muscles at 200lbs.

Again, Im probably bigger on cardio than I am on strength/hypertrophy training, and I love being lean, and I definitely don't mind looking at lean women.

But I won't personally write a woman off because she isn't currently "diced up". I have had enough first hand experience with women who are legitimate specimens of athleticism, to know that some of them are so fit, they can live in a body the size of a strong man and still keep up running, swimming, biking, rowing, and skiing/boarding.

IN CONCLUSION

I would advise you to select a woman more on the basis of her athleticism and cardiorespiratory fitness, than how lean she is, or how her overall body shape looks.

Of course you have to be attracted, but while a 6' 200lb muscular girl may look "heavy" in a loose fitting shirt... She'll still have a beautiful body.

Athleticism and cardio are more important because these are the traits that allow a partner and I/you to continue enjoying fitness into old age.

Id take a heavier less conventionally attractive girl who genuinely loves being active and going to the gym over an IG model who had to drag herself in the gym to look a certain way.

It sounds like your at the precipice of making fitness your lifestyle, and as you sink more into that you'll realize how fragile we really are.

Most people at the gym are just in a period of their lives where they are hyperfocused on how their physique looks... Ironically, they'll look the worst in the long term because they neglect the foundations of fitness such that they can more intensely pursue vanity.

If you want to be part of a fit couple for the rest of your life, your partnership will look a lot different than two people working on having nice bodies all the time.

Having a nice body all the time is possible, but its usually more of a consequence of focusing on being as active and overall athletic as possible.

Sorry for the rant, this is just something I think I have a good bit of perspective on.

1
thatfloridachick•

If you're not physically attracted to someone that's fine. If you want someone who living the same kind of lifestyle as you so you don't slip back into old habits, that's also fine. Best thing to do is stop worrying if people think you're shallow or a massive asshole. For some reason society has this idea that if you're fat you have to be interested in other fat people. Not true. Just as thin, or physically fit people can date fat people if they want.

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DriveSlowHomieOP•

I generally agree. But, it makes me think…were those thinner girls I dated just like, better people than me? Or did they just not care much about weight? Makes me wonder.

1
thatfloridachick•

I think you’re being way too harsh on yourself. They dated you because they were interested in you. You’re not obligated to date people you’re not interested in.

1
nopornthrowaways•

As long as you don’t care that you might get rejected or be considered unattractive because of your weight, it isn’t hypocritical. If you’re willing to take what you dish out, then it’s fine.

Just like how women don’t owe it to short men to date them, you don’t owe overweight women the right swipe. It’s not that serious. Swipe however you wish

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DriveSlowHomieOP•

It doesn’t bother me to be honest. BUT. A part of the reason I’m losing weight is to attract more women. I have zero issue admitting that.

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Hefty-Wolf2087•

Stay out the dating game til you get your body together. Then you can have these views.

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DriveSlowHomieOP•

Why? Would you give this same advice to a woman?

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Hefty-Wolf2087•

Yeah man. People gotta realize when you get in the game, you gotta give it your best. Dude will lie to a girl just to smash. Men don't get off that easy.

1
peppercruncher•

The toxic part is not that you don't want to date someone you are not attracted to. The toxic part are the preconceptions you use to reason your preference and your belief that you are better than them.

"Living a lifestyle leading to obesity".

I've gained 20 pounds when I moved from my apartment on the 5th floor without elevator to the ground floor. Boom. Did I choose to live a lifestyle that leads to obesity? I just moved where I lived.

I haven't seen a single person who switched from a physically demanding job to an office job who wouldn't put on a lot of weight. Did they choose to "live a lifestyle that leads to obesity"?It's the very same fucking person with the very same fucking lifestyle than before, just how they earn the money changed.

And the next thing is - how is it "living a lifestyle" when those people very likely have tried to lose weight in the past but failed? It's not "living a lifestyle", it's struggling with a problem.

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DriveSlowHomieOP•

It’s hard for me to sympathize with people you are very overweight, and that stems from me being overweight. It was overwhelmingly a choice, and was a sign of negative character traits I exhibited.

Again, I’m talking about very overweight (obese) people.

0
smurfsareinthehall•

For you being overweight was a choice - it's not that for everyone. Have you considered the cause/source of those negative character traits that you had?

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DriveSlowHomieOP•

The cause/source of those traits were out of my hands yes - but not the ability to fix the problem. That responsibility falls squarely on my shoulders.

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peppercruncher•

I'm not surprised. I mean, the most radical anti-smokers are former smokers. They believe that if they managed it, everyone else has to. As long as they smoked themselves, there was understanding. People can't imagine that the same task can have a different difficulty level for everyone - no, their personal difficulty level is obviously always the maximum and therefore everyone else should be able to achieve the same.

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smurfsareinthehall•

The issue is that instead of identifying you aren't physically attracted to overweight people the issue is all the assumptions and judgments you make about people based on their weight/photos. You know absolutely nothing about someone's "lifestyle" by a photo. And considering you have experience with being overweight the lack of compassion and understanding of others is very unattractive. You're going to be in a quite a spot when you love a partner and something happens and they put on some weight - sounds like you better break up with anyone who may gain weight in the future.

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[deleted]•

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[deleted]•

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Shop-Flat•

I don't think its hypocritical/toxic but one thing I've noticed is once I hop into a relationship I fall off losing weight and stagnate (because I am so close to my target weight), I would recommend finish losing weight before dating someone because going on dates and doing things with someone means you might have to break your diet/routine a couple of times a week.

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Expert-Ad-8363•

No. It’s not toxic. Nothing wrong with having standards BUT it would be a better look for sure if you were more in shape yourself.

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wdDrake•

Nope. It's my preference to date someone below a certain weight threshold. We all have preferences. I don't care if anyone thinks it's toxic, it's my preference and I don't get upset about yours.

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matchymatch121•

Matching means lifestyle too. If your eating habits are not healthy but you are looking someone who does have good habits there may be big differences already

The other party would also need to be attracted to you and your lifestyle choices

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