#GENERAL IMPRESSION

I found this fairly confusing! Some things made much more sense on the second read but even then I'm left with a bunch of questions: what was real, what was imagined; what was magic and what wasn't? What parts of this are clues and what parts are meant to lead to unanswered questions? And why do these characters behave the way they do around each other?

I think the best way to move forward might be line-by-line, so all of the comments I make here will be having already read the story once.

#SECOND READ LINE-BY-LINE

Addicts were dying in the infirmary.

I like the idea of setting the scene this way for a first sentence and a hook, but I think the information could be presented in a more compelling way. A bunch of addicts dying in an infirmary sounds... logical and doesn't really make me wonder why that's happening. Is there a way this information can be presented to make me ask more questions, either by revealing more or less of the scene upfront?

But this isn't a huge issue to me because I think the next sentence:

James grasped a bedframe to steady himself.

works well as a hook on its own. This one makes me ask way more questions than the first sentence, but the first sentence paints more a picture of the scene/setting. Is James steadying himself against an emotional hit, or a physical one, or a psychological one?

So yeah I don't think either of those sentences is a perfect hook, but they're both very useful sentences and they got my attention.

Sour rot mixed with a hint of charred flesh filled the room.

It was not obvious to me on my first read of this sentence that it was referring to a mixture of scents. I initially read it as taste, because the only thing more common than a sour smell is a sour taste. I'd clarify it's a smell here.

Red moonlight filtered through a glass-stained roof, revealing dozens of addicts who convulsed in an erratic dance they couldn't control.

"Glass-stained" makes it sound like the roof is stained with glass. I think what it's supposed to be saying is "stained-glass", but I could be wrong. This bit was confusing and I'm still not sure whether to take it literally.

The rest of the sentence works hard to paint a vivid picture of the scene, but because of what is unsaid, the sentence becomes unwieldy and unclear. There's red moonlight, but it's being filtered through what is possibly stained glass, so is the moonlight red inside this room or red outside and made another color once it goes through the glass? I do understand from the rest of the story that the room is indeed washed red by the moonlight but this sentence doesn't convey that clearly.

The addicts convulse in an erratic dance, but nowhere is it stated that they're lying down, so this sentence has me imagining that they're standing while they do this. And then it isn't obvious to me whether these uncontrollable convulsions are part of some sort of mass possession, a magical effect of some sort, or a strange description of some medical condition similar to like, benzo withdrawal. There's a lot happening in this sentence and I think it could be cut into two or three that are more clear.

Their heads jerked and twisted on the sick beds with such speed that it obscured their features completely.

"Sick beds": there's the information I needed in the last sentence. My mental image of the scene has been shaken up and I think there's a way to make it so that doesn't have to happen.

They were alone. No friends or family leaned over sick beds to roll the addicts onto their side.

The addicts are always referred to as either "they" or "the addicts". I could do with a synonym or two just for variety. And now that I do know what's going on, I don't need the repeat specificity of "sick bed" here.

With a tiny pinch, that drug could save everyone.

I understand that the pinch is referring to an amount of Parisen, but it's weirdly worded. I think it would technically mean that the drug could pinch someone/something, thereby saving everyone.

He's got a brand new, severe burn wound to his thigh, new enough that he's still wearing the pants he was when it happened. Then he goes over to the cage where the Parisen (fantasy Narcan, I'm thinking) is kept, hoping to save everyone with it. He needs to find the key:

A flurry of whispers darted around the room and bounced off faded oak walls. Their hushed voices were too low and the addicts too loud to hear.

Are these whispers magical/spiritual, or just a metaphor for him trying to remember where he kept the key? This is fantasy so I could see either one being the case, but I'd like to know which one.

And then also, "the addicts too loud to hear" sounds exactly like it looks in quotes right there: the addicts are someone so loud he can't hear them. I think with a few commas, or em-dashes maybe, it'd be more obvious that the addicts are too loud for him to hear the whispers.

He pulled out a bronze key; engraved in the handle were the words, Doctor James Meyer.

So I had a way different experience with this line on the second read. On the first read, I was half-convinced that James had somehow altered reality to make himself a doctor and therefore make it logical to find a key in his own pocket, right when he needed one. I justified this belief with how he shushed the addicts a paragraph or two ago and they all magically went silent.

On the second read it's obvious he's a doctor, and I'm pretty sure that all that happened was he found some silence in his weird nightmare which allowed him to remember he'd put the key in his pocket. I don't think he has magical powers, but I'm not 100% sure about that.

“It chose you," James said.

I had no idea what this meant on first read. The tone of the line becomes somewhat clearer with his paragraph of dialogue a few paragraphs later, but I think just a hint of his feelings toward the addict here would help me know how to read this line from the get-go.

A chunky fullness of rust and bile rose in his throat.

I'm not wholly vibing with "chunky fullness"... I think I understand what it's meant to mean, like the sensation of half-digested matter sitting in the bottom of your throat when you're very nauseous, but does "fullness" have to be the noun? Feels like there's a better way to word this using all of those same descriptors, just as different parts of speech so it flows better.

He blinked once and his vision blurred. A second blink and it looked as though he were staring at the addict through teary eyes.

To me the first sentence and the second say the same thing; I can't imagine the difference in vision between "blurred" and "teary". To me, they're both just blurred.

Pesky fingers darted out from the cracks of the floor and tugged at his pants. The ceiling tilted into view a moment before his head smashed into the ground.

Are these fingers meant to be fingers he actually sees/feels, real or otherwise, or is this a creative way of saying the floor pulled him down (he fell)? Not sure.

After this point he begins to convulse, yell, and vomit, just like the other addicts. It was clear to me on both reads that he must be an addict, too, though how much of his POV this affected and how much I should treat as real was/is unclear. Which I guess isn't a bad thing, but I would like more worldbuilding so I have a chance of being able to tell when something he sees/feels is due to magic, or something paranormal, or just a figment of his overdose-induced hallucinations, or is just straight-up real. After two reads I still feel very unfamiliar with the world and what's possible so I'm just making stuff up.

A gurgle forced its way through pounding ears.

"Gurgle" is used four times in the first three pages. Also, why would a gurgle have to force its way past pounding ears? Is this just meant to say he hears his own gurgle? Or is it meant to say that a bit of air/sound makes it past the vomit in his mouth/throat? It's the "pounding ears" that doesn't fit, I think.

They were capable and smart enough to hide their sick minds from the royals.

Second time sick/broken minds are brought up, and on the second read I still don't know what this means.

The embrace startled him, bringing with it a longing he didn’t know he had; to be hugged by someone who mattered.

I think this semicolon should be a colon, because the longing defines what comes after the punctuation. I could be wrong, but semicolon doesn't feel right.

Colors he knew and some he didn’t danced along the pulsing blackness, ebbing and flowing around him. No, he ebbed and flowed in it.

Conciseness edits: I'd cut the "colors he knew" part and keep the colors he didn't know. I'd also cut the double ebb-and-flow and keep it to one. I don't think what's accomplished by "No, he..." is strong enough or important enough to justify repeating the phrase.

Colors pulsed in the sky as it brightened him from within to stay with him forever.

"Brightened him from within to stay with him forever" is awkwardly-worded to me. Brightening and staying don't go together in any clear way.

And then someone injects him with Parisen and he starts to come down, mourning the loss of the Mion. He wakes.

Slicing heat radiated across his thigh as he reached for his pant pocket and pulled out a bronze metal crow with a chipped eye.

"Slicing heat radiated" feels mixed-up. Can it just be a heat slicing through? It's the idea of a slice going across something or radiating outward that bothers me, since slices usually go through.

James stood on painless legs.

This feels abrupt since the last thing he was doing was lying on the ground, half-awake, smoking from a metal bird. I think a bit more internal sensation/thought would fix the disconnect between one paragraph and the next. Feels like a sentence or two has been cut, as is.

CONTINUED IN NEXT COMMENT

Overall Impressions

I think the story was fine but hampered by mediocre prose. I liked where it ended with a kind of panicked cliffhanger that James isn’t out of the clear yet. This would be an effective ending to get someone to read the next chapter IF the writing style was better. I need that for myself as a reader to become invested. The biggest issue is clarity. I got the gist of what was being described but I believe you could do a better job of establishing the setting and using more effective metaphors/similes. I liked some of the images you used (“A painful itch scurried under his boiled leather pants and across his thigh, as if a sac of spiders had burst and burrowed themselves into his flesh.”) > This was good. Shows you have potential to make this entire chapter way better. But most of the imagery of the parasite/disease/illness fell flat for me. I’ll explain why later on.

To answer your question regarding the genre (Disclaimer: I don’t read “Horror Fantasy” stories so my opinion may be worthless), I think the horror element is indeed obvious. The fantasy elements are there too but feel kind of weak in comparison to the horror. For the majority of this chapter, instead of “fantasy” I got a vibe of something closer to “supernatural”. The first hint that this was in the fantasy genre (for me) was when you mentioned the line: “They were capable and smart enough to hide their sick minds from the royals.” I guess because I immediately associate “royal family” with a fantasy setting with castles, dungeons, dragons, succession wars, blood feuds, etcetera. The only other parts of this that felt like fantasy to me were the descriptions of Erix (“A tall, dark-skinned man in a red robe embellished with bronze jewels stood, bowing his head.”) / “…one of the twin princes of Verneda…” and his soldiers “…encased in heavy bronze armor…” So I think the character descriptions of their clothing match what one would expect from that type of story. Honestly, I don’t think genres should matter too much for a writer, especially if making the story follow their typical conventions takes precedence over the actual quality of the writing itself. If you insist on making sure the reader understands this falls within a fantasy sub-genre then you should probably introduce an aspect of it even sooner, maybe within the first couple paragraphs. I guess my point is don’t get hung-up on making sure the story is easily categorizable rather than focusing on making it as good as you possibly can. In other words, why even care whether there is enough fantasy in it? Include as much as needed for the story you want to tell. I don’t know your reasons for it obviously but this is my opinion.

Line by Line Impressions

I mentioned earlier I found clarity to be an issue within the prose. I may not do a good job of articulating exactly why but I’ll point out examples here of places that jumped out the most where I was questioning what was being described or where the writing felt weak. Also general questions I had for your reference.

• Why did everyone become quiet after he “…glowered at a seizing addict and lifted a finger to his lips.”? I also don’t know what a “seizing addict” is supposed to mean, like are they actively grabbing something or him. I know they do later on but at this point I’m not sure what they’re “seizing” at. * “A chunky fullness of rust and bile rose in his throat. He swallowed.” > Is this referring to James or the addict that was just described prior?
• “The impact vibrated his skull and that vibration zipped down…” > Maybe substitute a better word here than vibrated? I’m assuming the addicts slammed him down from the floor here so maybe something like “The impact felt like it cracked his skull and this crack made a fissure that zipped down his body…” This is just off the top of my head. “Vibration” just feels kind of weak for the word choice here.
• “The chunky fullness returned.” > Is this referring to the bile in his throat? “Wetness trickled off his lips.” > State what this wetness is. Bile? Saliva? Whatever it is leaking from his throat? “Heaviness built in his chest.” > Too many words that end in -ness in this paragraph. It kind of stands out. You could also just make this sentence better. Instead of just saying the heaviness built, make it more graphic, use more vivid imagery, “His chest was about to explode/burst/cave/collapse whatever verb gets the point across best and instead of “heaviness”, maybe a noun of something heavy that’s relevant to James.
• “Calm. He wasn’t certain when it appeared…” I think you can remove this part because the previous paragraph ended with “And then calm.” so it implies he did know when it appeared (right after the “Heaviness built in his chest.”). Just begin with the 2nd half of the sentence: “It swept him away from the impossible struggle.” Also, restating that it was calm doesn't help much with the emphasis since it comes immediately after.
• “Beds previously holding the familiar addicts were now empty, which made sense considering they were dead.” > The last part of this sentence feels weak. You can just remove it and say that they became puffs of smoke or whatever. Otherwise it wouldn’t be obvious why they’re empty. If they died how can they remove themselves off the bed? You haven't described what happens to the dead addicts yet at this point.
• “A third soldier – Raf according to Erix – stood frozen…” > This should just be “Raf stood frozen by the front door…” or “Raf, the third soldier, stood frozen…” because in the in the previous paragraph, Erix already referred to him as Raf so it feels redundant.
• In general was confused about the distinction between Parisen and Mion. I thought Parisen was the antidote for these addicts and you mention that Erix injects him with it but you also introduce Mion and at first it didn’t register how it was obviously different. Is it just another antidote except inhaled rather than injected? Is it more effective or less than Parisen?
• I was wondering why would letting a prince treat James’ injury be so bad? This probably has something to do with their reputation, something that hasn’t been touched on yet in this story, but to me it seems way worse that a doctor would be overdosing in his own infirmary. Doesn’t a prince, almost by definition, have an elevated status higher than a doctor? Doesn’t seem like it should be that bad if he got helped by him. But then why would a prince need to help some measly doctor? Feels like there is a piece missing here in the worldbuilding.
• I didn’t understand the deal with the red light. I know the redder you are the more in danger you are too but how is this redness manifesting? Do you need special powers like Erix and Raf are implied to have? The moon is also described as red so is it under its influence as well?
• “The silence in the room played a foreboding tune.” > I know what you mean here but I didn’t like this sentence. Obviously, silence isn’t a tune, you don’t mean it literally. But silence isn’t even something than can “play” either. It comes from absence. Even something like “The silence that befell the room was ominous.” would be better. I admit I may be nitpicking.
• James gives off anti-hero vibes because of the callous way he speaks to the addicts. Don't know if this was your aim but he didn't strike me as a "likeable" character (not necessarily a bad thing just letting you know how he comes across).

Closing Remarks

I actually don't think this was terrible, probably better than the majority of what gets posted in this sub, but it's not something I would continue to read if I came across it. I'm probably not your target audience either since I don't read "Horror" or "Fantasy" stories. The premise/hook/ending concepts are fine, but the execution needs work. Hope this helps.

General Thoughts

I am going to give my general thoughts after the first read-through and then give some more detailed feedback afterwards. Each of the sections is split into a certain category. I won't pull any punches as some of the harshest critiques on my writing have helped me, and I would want someone to continue to help me by giving an honest opinion.

Overall, I have to say, this piece needs a lot of work. However, there were some bright spots that I felt made me curious about the story you have to tell. I'll start with the areas in need of improvement.

The biggest issue I see is with your writing in general. Much of the paragraphing, phrasing, description, and prose itself is choppy and unclear. It was common for me to have to pause, re-read a section once or twice, and continue to make sure I was understanding what was going on. Even after some re-reading, there are sections of the prose that are still unclear and confusing (I will reference a few specifics below).

Another issue is the dialogue (more detail below). In general, it is choppy and confusing and contains a lot of in-world references that are, as mentioned above, confusing.

The good! Hey, writing is hard, and the more you write the better it will become. However, I think you have a cool story to tell here. I like the worldbuilding and the interesting mix of fantasy and horror. I don't tend to read a lot of horror-fantasy (I tend to stick to epic), but this is a story I would read if polished and complimented with suitable prose.

Characters

Confusing! I think because of the lack of clarity in the prose, it is hard for me to connect directly to James. His motivations are a bit unclear and his relationships are a bit unclear. Obviously, this is only the first chapter, but I need to connect to the character right off the bat or you will lose me. Try to develop a unique character voice. I think your prose is in need of work so that shows through in every aspect of the story.

With that being said, I do see you developing motivations for James. He cares about family. He wants to take care of others. He is a doctor that struggles with an addiction he is trying to help others cope with. This is my favorite part about the character. He is trying to help others but seems to be having trouble helping himself! Stick with this! Internal conflict like this is going to really pull me into the story (and this was the main part that drew me in).

Setting

The setting and description is weak. Try describing the room/infirmary a little more. There are parts of the prose that just do a poor job in description and painting a solid picture of where the character is most of the time. The middle portion of the vision/withdrawal symptoms that James experiences is disorienting for me as a reader. While you want to convey a sense of disorientation for James, I need to still know what is going on and get a sense of that.

Do not be afraid to paint a vivid picture of the place James is in. Is it hot? Is it cold? Are the infirmary beds rusted and creaking?

Prose

Your prose, by far, is the worst part of this piece. It brings down otherwise serviceable characterization and worldbuilding.

Your descriptions of actions and feelings are clunky.

-"A chunky fullness of rust and bile rose in his throat"

This is clunky and awkward wording for me. You use "fullness" a couple of other times and maybe it's just personal preference, but the word doesn't describe vomit well for me.

-"His lungs shuddered. A single breath. One inhale and he promised to hold it...

Calm. He wasn’t certain when it appeared, but it swept him away from the impossible struggle. Its presence grew in tandem with his slowing heartbeat. Intense, but incredible, it almost made the earlier fear worth it. Made him appreciate its absence. His brother and mother would be fine."

As mentioned in setting, this is just a confusing couple of paragraphs, and it is because of your prose. The word choice and overall feel of the writing is clunky and unclear. I think you are trying to be somewhat poetic with your prose? Or, for lack of a better term, trying to make it "pretty" and flowery. However, it is just coming across as unskilled. Sometimes simple and clear is best. You can have a piece of nice-sounding prose, but if you were to read this out-loud it is far from that. Be spare and descriptive at the same time. (Hey, I am growing in this too).

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-"The young man’s hair was kept short to the scalp, and he continued holding that slightly bowed pose with an empty syringe in his hand. Two soldiers stood behind him. Their arm hovered over the handle of a blade that rested in a sheath by their side. "

Your descriptions of characters are confusing. An example is when you describe the guards with their knives. Saying someone has their arms "hovering" over a blade is just poor word choice in my opinion. Saying "he continued holding that slightly bowed pose" is also clunky. It's not immediate and direct. Saying "He stooped over the bed with a syringe in his hand." is active and clear.

-"The infirmary door opened and a boy of around eight stumbled in. A wide smile planted across his face. His ears were so big they seemed ready to bend and start flapping."

Just another example of awkward description. Unless this is a part of the worldbuilding, ears that bend and start flapping is strange and jarring to me.

Work on clarity of your writing. There are many examples in this work that are unclear. More of that in dialogue.

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