(Untitled)

I really love your last two lines! They are my favourite. I think they add so much to the poem. I wonder if you could either expand or contract your lines, I think both would be effective

By contracting I mean, take the “the” or “is” and make it really punch. So it’s like:

Strawberry soft

Cherry bold

Lilly blush

Rush of rose

… does that make sense?? I think it could work.

Or!! You could really expand and add lots of detail and imagery to make it stand out and wrap the reader back to your first two lines as they connect with the last.

Great word choices overall! I think with a little editing it could really pack a punch.

I love the sensory imagery you are able to accomplish with this! The beginning gives it this innocent “roses are red”, nostalgic feel that twists to a more heartbreaking conclusion when you reach the “The stab of some punch” line. Which give the poem a different, more bittersweet feel on a second read through.

I do agree with another commenter that you can contract this a bit more. I think even just removing the “the” at the beginning of multiple lines could give it a better flow.

Example:

Cherry is bold

Blush of a Lily

Rush of a rose

Sweet of a candy

Last note, not sure if Lily was purposely capitalized to give it the double meaning of referring to both the flower and someone named Lily. But if it is, I love that subtlety!

Very nice poem, I loved it! As the other commenters said, it could get rid of the “the”s, especially since the first two lines don’t have that extra syllable in them.

Secondly, in “the stab of some punch”, you could get rid of “some” and put an “a” in there just like every other line, I’d say it would be better as the other lines had the “a” sound in there, while still having one syllable.

I get a real William Carlos Williams vibe from the last three lines. Not just because one of his more famous pieces also contained allusions to fruit, but the meter is very similar as well. Great poem!

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

In this I feel as if the rhyming is missing a beat here and there.

''Strawberries soft
Cherry is bold
The blush of a Lily
The rush of a rose
The sweet of a candy
The stab of some punch
Alluring and deadly-

(pick of the bunch)
(so) Cherry all day
(and) Strawberries (I say)

(now take them away)

(because)

(they) make me (all) queasy,
(for they are) Too soft

and a tad too easy.

What a wonderful little piece, poetic and lyrical with excellent use of words.
I wonder what the title might have been...