As I read this, I instantly wet to Auden’s Funeral Blues. See how imagery was utilized in that poem. 


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

That's okay. Look I will give you an example, goodbyes are heavy hearted. Thats great! That's a good example of imagery right there. Now what you need to do is find ways to put more of that type of imagery across the poem. Just keep writing, the ideas will keep coming. You will improve, most people do. I am also trying to improve, it is long journey but we get there

Well hi there, you gave me a fair critique, so I will give you mine. The strong points on this poem that I like:

The structure, mainly the rhyme gives it a lyrical like tone and it sort of sounds like a song. When poems are lyrical they tend to be good. 

The weak part (in my opinion):

The language is rather simple and has few metaphors, but then again not all poems have to have metaphors

As for your words stating that the poem is nauseating, I dont see it that way. It is well structured, again I just think it would benefit from some more polished imagery. Anyways that's my take

Sometimes poems written from the heart might seem 'nauseating' or 'mushy', but they also sing of truth and rawness. This is very well written OP and it's clear you have a very good understanding of structure and meter. I very much enjoyed it but I agree with the other commenter, if you would like critiques on how it could seem less 'mushy' you could definitely get the same sentiments across with metaphors and add some ambiguity. A way to do this could be to remove the pronouns, speak of each person as an object or concept and change some lines from the active to passive voice but this would take some careful thought in order not to lose the lovely flow the poem already has. Maybe an exercise could be to remove all of the yous, Is and mes from the poem and see whether the sentence could be rearranged to simply remove them or which objects/concepts they could be replaced with (obvious ones relating to nature such as the sun/moon/sea but a lot of potential for less commonly used themes) T

The title was very intriguing. Jumped out at me and commanded me to read. The flow throughout made it very easy to follow and the rhyme scheme was really nicely done. 

I believe you said "giving me an afternoon and stealing you at dawn" was my favorite line. 

I have no criticism. Bravo *snaps finger *


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Erika’s Elegy