I love the meaning and imagery especially behind your words, most definitely made me re-read 3 times over🕊

Thank you for your feedback! It really means a lot ^ Also, the verse “muffled in chaos, harshly escaping lungs loudly enough” spells the name of the spirit I am chasing, the girl. Her name is Michelle and every word in this verse spells a letter of her name. That’s why I decided to put it after “I call her name in despair”. This explains why it sounds awkward, because I was under a restriction. Originally, I put it in italics to make it more obvious but for some reason when I copied the poem on Reddit it disappeared.

I love the imagery in this! Your metaphors used in this poem are really impactful, and i enjoyed how your last stanza helps to sort of tell a story. Figurative language is nice, but it should tell a story imo, and you delivered on that element for sure. The only line i wasn't quite as fond of is "harshly escaping lungs loudly enough". To me personally, the phrasing seems a bit awkward? At least compared to the flow of the rest of your lines. I feel like you might be able to either rearrange the words in this line or use different language to make this read a bit smoother.

Thank you for posting this, I honestly found it wonderful

>The shattered glass resting on the floor
reflected nothing but a hollow soul,
a memory disguised in flesh,
an innocent creation that never meant
to disrupt the one who summoned it 

The opening line is outstanding in the initial imagery and memorable for me. There may be a clarity issue that can be solved with a period instead of a comma after the opening line. The comma connects the "hollow soul" and the "innocent memory," into the same person instead of the two distinctly different people that they are.

>Longing the touch of a body
whose curves would rewrite our story,
I chase this spirit of light
whose glow ignites my past 

This stanza just needs a "longing (for) the touch of (her/their) body," and maybe a change to "my story," since the opening stanza and the ending of this stanza imply the speaker's selfishness and a fixation on a specific person, not just any body. Though, since the speaker is aware of their selfishnes


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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The shattered glass resting on the floor   
reflected nothing but a hollow soul,   
a memory disguised in flesh,  
an innocent creation that never meant  
to disrupt the one who summoned it   

Longing the touch of a body   
whose curves would rewrite our story,   
I chase this spirit of light  
whose glow ignites my past  

Guiding me in this ever growing labyrinth  
where columns and planks embody my consciousness,  
I call her name in despair  
muffled in chaos, harshly escaping lungs loudly enough  

Out of breath, I let her go  
out the door, as I plunge in darkness.  
Blinded by the lies tangled in her light,  
crippled by this deadly game,  
I sit and ponder over my own faith  

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vrb5j7/magical_bodies/iezv1bk/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vnm4go/exploited/iezyz4g/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

hollow souls