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r/OCPoetry•
Availthestillnesss

The Porch

Poem

The porch is quiet now

The chairs rock gently in the wind

The table is empty

The dog asleep alone

One chair, his, among the others

Invites me in and I accept

As I take my cherished place

Among the other silent seats

Like the turning of a page

I flip back to bygone days

A sea of faces appear like ghosts

Noises through the silence echo

Scenes of all varieties

With emotions equally varied

I watch each scene as it plays

Like air rising to the surface of water

They arrive, vividly

And disappear rapidly

Every scene that comes and goes

Plays like clips of great past times

Cigars and beer, talks and chats

Gatherings with family close and distant

Parties with friends, no strangers here

All of them wholly lived and enjoyed

Quiet now, no more scenes

The dog stirs, but does not rouse

My attention darts to the movement

And I quickly return to the present

I came out here to soak in silence

And quietly reconnect

So much has changed in so little time

Not so long ago smoke billowed and ale flowed.

In recent times this porch was alive

It was his breath that gave it soul

Now the vibrance lingers on,

But ere so slowly fades

I fear the day the vibrance dwindles

And the porch returns to wood and nails

But when the porch reverts back to just a porch

One thing will remain...

Fond memories

Feedback

feedback 1

feedback 2

Posted Jul 6, 2022, 7:04 PM UTC

77
A-Girl-in-need•

I really like this! Beautifully written. If I had to give one criticism I'd say it's a little long but that's just personal opinion of course.

2
happyprocrastination•

Your choice of words really makes the scenery come alive and that's something I always appreciate. I like it. The only critique I have is that next to the nostalgia it evokes a feeling of uneasiness and restlessness in me that I am not sure is intentional? Maybe due to the many short lines constantly bringing up new aspects. It felt like I was holding my breath a little while reading it

2
AvailthestillnesssOP•

It is reminiscing of times gone by, after losing someone close. So while I never intended uneasiness to be a result, that is certainly a feeling I had while sitting on that porch writing this.

1
robynnc1290•

Great writing and imagery! I really enjoyed especially your first few lines.

I think one thing your poem needs is to break it up with proper grammar/sentences. Also removing unnecessary words to tighten up your lines. So it would look/sound, something like this:

The porch is quiet now,

chairs rocking gently in the wind.

The table is empty,

the dog asleep, alone.

One chair, his, among the others,

invites me in and I accept.

Does this make sense?? I think this would really help add flow, and you almost have a lyrical quality to your words and this will help with that too.

Great poem!!

2
AvailthestillnesssOP•

That is helpful, and exactly why I’m here. This is among the first poems I’ve ever written, so I’m here to learn. I will add punctuation. Some of it got mixed up when I copied it to Reddit, my formatting was completely lost.

1
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1
ThtDAmbWhiteGuy•

What a lovely and charming piece! It really drew me in from the first lines and kept my attention all the way through.

The title, although a repetition of the first few words, is quite strong as the location seems to be a character as well, or at the very least a mirror of the speaker's will and nostalgic desires. Furthermore, I was quite entranced by the character of the dog. Almost a gatekeeper, but one that feels comfortable enough with the speaker as to not even rouse.

Which brings me to my main critique and recommendation, which is to end the poem at the line "the dog stirs, but does not rouse." As it provides a great contrast to the speaker's own nostalgia. The dog lives within this porch of memories and is not concerned with any changes, present or future. I believe ending the poem on this strong and tranquil image is as evocative, if not more-so than the words that come after it.

I hope this helps, happy writing! It is truly a lovely poem :)

1