Rain Song

Poem

I had a feeling he was coming

the way some people can smell the rain.

Moments into a downpour

counting drops on window panes.

Sugar cone high, sidewalk kisses,

Mint chip melting in his hands.

His watch kept ticking

As he dropped it on the nightstand.

My wary heart bartered time

At the first trickle of his voice.

Palm on my belly, aquarian eyes,

weather isn’t anyone’s choice.

He moved like smooth water,

yet tasted like cerulean sunlight.

Sold me on a night of dreaming,

Rain is healing, swore I was right.

But pretty words come easy,

When he knows what’s done is done,

As dawn breaks, June gloom is gone,

I lie and burn in the sun.

​

-j.d.h.

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feedback 1

feedback 2

Posted Jul 7, 2022, 6:06 AM UTC

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1

I enjoyed this as lot, it has a nice flow to it! I liked the comparison you chose between a person coming into your life like the weather, so especially the line of "weather isn't anyone's choice" spoke to me, as well as "pretty words come easy". Your description of him dropping the watch on the nightstand was interestingly also something that caught my eye. I'm mentioning this because I wonder if you also thought much of it when you wrote it? It's a little gesture that I remember seeing from time to time that I haven't seen get mentioned in poems. So for me it really helped the poem come alive in a way.

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[deleted]•

[removed]

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Stellify_Me_•

I like it. All things come to personal taste; but because the word "like" oversaturates normal spoken language, I'd suggest removing "like" as a comparitive word.

For example: "He moved like smooth water," You could improve the cadence to the line and remove "like" with "He moved as smooth as water, and tasted of cerulean sunlight"

I enjoy all your other uses of metaphor, it just flows into it without pausing to announce itself as a simile.

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poetrybyjdhOP•

thank you this was really helpful!

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towneetowne•

RAIN SONG

I'd a feeling he was coming,/ the way some can smell the rain./ Just moments before the bottom falls out,/ you're counting on drops down the pane.//

Sugar cone high, sidewalk kisses, his/ mint chip melting across fingers.//

Watch hands ticking,/ as he lay it atop the nightstand/

  • like a heart bartering for time.//

At first trickle of his voice,/ with one palm upon the stomach/ and aquarian eyes, i learn/ such weather isn't anybody's choice.//

He moved smooth as water/ tastes, like cerulean starlight.//

Had me, all night,/ dreaming that raining/ was a kind of healing ... //

and I swore/ that was right.//

When pretty words can come so easily,/ he knows what's done is done.//

Dawn always breaks./ But, the gloom of June is gone./ as I lie and burn with the sun.//

1