Concrete

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Love the even spacing dynamic; it makes the poem feel like a steady stream of vent thoughts pouring out of the frustration of the author.

are you going for a King James feel with the maketh? perhaps commit to the language, i think it would add a lot to the rest of the poem

I'm going start by addressing the elephant in the room: "maketh" is the wrong choice here. Not only is it archaic in a way that isn't reflected elsewhere in the poem, it's also incorrect. The -eth ending only comes on third-person singular, not plural. One thing maketh man; two things make man.

The vitriol and emotion of this poem feel very raw and real, and I appreciate that. The language, "maketh" nothwithstanding, is both elevated and grounded, and that's a hard balance to strike. I see that you're a Bukowski fan-- maybe that's an echo of his voice coming through.

I feel like "Concrete" is a bit of an ironic title for the poem, since there is very little concrete in it. Most of your ideas are quite abstract with nothing immediate or sensory to hook onto. The sentiments themselves aren't particularly fresh, which in combination with the paucity of concrete imagery means that there's very little to explore or connect with here. It just kind of rolls past like political screed. I think if you want to take this poem to the next level, you need to focus in on an idea or metaphor that captures what you're trying to say, and really dig into the personal experience of it.

Thanks for sharing your work, and best of luck on your next drafts.