I want to leave for good.

I am going to be totally open and honest here.

I want to shoot myself in the head and leave for good. I am such an ugly human being, mostly on the inside but I'm fucking ugly on the outside too.

I lie everyday. Everything from small lies to big lies. I tell people things they want to hear, I don't care if they're true or not, I just want to adjust to people and having things in common with others makes me feel connected to them. I feel like I'm very odd and lying to them to make myself connect better, is something I do all the time. And it makes me feel sick, I am so disgusted with myself. I feel like I cannot live with myself any longer. It's just too much.

Recently, my mother found my stash of cocaine and weed and she teared and got torn apart. My heart broke and I know that it's my fault. She knew I used to smoke pot but never did she know I did coke. I admitted to her that I did pot and I promised that I had quit for about two years. All lies, I've been actively smoking weed for about three years, and I recently started doing coke (about five months now).

My father is the greediest man on the planet we know as Earth, and he's such an asshole. I hate him, he hates me and I can totally understand why. Because I'm just such a fucking idiot.

No girl wants me, and I see why, because I'm a fucking freak. I am so boring and alone all the time. People ask me out but I keep saying no. I make up false excuses and shit. They tell me: "Come out and BBQ with us!", and I reply: "No, I don't like to BBQ." but in reality, I LOVE to BBQ.

I've got a gun and I'm so ready to go. So, so ready.

I wrote a letter to my family and everyone else involved in my life. This is what I wrote:

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First of all, I am sorry for not being flawless. I wish I had no flaws and that I was perfect, but wishes are nothing but small fragments of our imagination full of false hope and joy in the await for whatever we want to come true.

I would like to say that I entered this world innocent, and I would like to leave it innocent as well.

I am a coward for I cannot face my problems and flaws. Instead I run as far away as I can from them, and then I hide until they come looking for me and pull me out and tear me apart.

I am a liar for I tell false things all the time to people just so that I can adjust to them and have as much in common with them as possible to not feel like a misfit or a weirdo.

I am false for I hide my emotions and tell myself to smile when I really want to frown and to laugh when I really want to cry.

I am lost for I thought I knew where I wanted to go, but I lost my ways very long ago.

I do not consider myself a criminal, I do not consider myself bad and I definitely do not consider myself evil.

I have no intentions of hurting anyone or anything. I’ve never hurt anyone physically for I am not man enough. I’ve probably hurt people emotionally for I am human, but I certainly didn’t do it for the sake of pleasure or just because I felt like hurting someone. If I’ve ever hurt you, in any way, I am very sorry.

I’d live to see the day when drugs are gone, alcohol disappears, cigarettes vanish, evil becomes good, darkness becomes light and everything becomes beautiful, happy and joyful. I’d live to see the day when children can play peacefully, when war is no more, when people are living the life they want to live and when there’s justice and equality everywhere. I’d live to see the day when everyone accepts death as something natural and beautiful, instead of something horrifying and evil.

This would be amazing, but that’s nothing but wishes; pieces of imagination puzzled together to give me a perfect view of how I’d like the world to become.

I promise you, for as long as the human race rules this planet none of this will become true. I’ve lost my hope and faith in humanity.

Lastly, I would like to thank my beautiful mother for raising me so well. I love her to death.

I’d like to thank my stepfather for treating me fairly and being so truthful and nice. I love you.

I’d like to thank my very best friend Jakob for being there for me at all times. I love you.

I’d like to thank everyone else involved in my life for making my days worth to live. I love you all so much.

I’d like to thank my father for being such a greedy man and a total asshole, but it motivated me to continue on and prove him to be wrong at all times when he told me that I would never make it.

Well guess what? He’s right. I never made it, and I’ve lost. I dedicate this to him and in victory, I’d like to congratulate him for finally defeating his biggest enemy and getting rid of his largest problem: me. I fucking hate you.

I’d like you, mom, to burn all my possessions and everything I’ve ever owned. I want my body to be burned and I’d like the ashes to be thrown away someplace (I really don’t care where) as if I never existed.

Thank you. Please, don’t grief. This is my choice and I believe I’ve done the right thing.

There’s not more I’d like to say.

I hate life and I believe I was sent here for no reason. I am nothing, I never was anything and I’ll never be anything but a memory. Please forget me.

I wish you all a happy life.

Please, mom, make this letter public. I want the whole world to see it, as my last wish. Feel my pain, understand it and learn from it. That’s my ultimate request.

Goodbye motherfuckers, see you on the other side.

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I really don't know what to do anymore... I am without hope.