Ended things and feeling sad...

Hey, this is a throwaway account for obvious reasons. I guess I could use some moral support and also want to get the story off my chest.

I'm the other woman, though it didn't start that way. I met him 7 years ago when he was going through a divorce from his first marriage and I was going through a difficult chapter myself. We live in different states and I was staying with family visiting for the summer while I worked out some personal stuff. We met through a dating app and had the most magical summer together. While we never explicitly defined things as "just fun" it was self evident both of us were dealing with our own shit and were taking comfort in one another. The chemistry was electric...everything was the stuff of fantasies... 4 star hotels, fine dining, wildly oversharing everything with one another, exploring every sexual RP/kink... constantly talking to each other...enjoyable mutual obsession...Nearing the end of that summer I ended up getting an interview for a big opportunity back in my home state. I wanted to keep seeing him, but I didn't know how he felt about it. I remember telling him I needed to fly back for the interview and he seemed super indifferent and didn't really say anything. I thought to myself "Well, there's my answer, this was just fun and he doesn't really care." He kept talking to me though and I ended up going back a month later to see him again. And then he ghosted on me. I remember feeling so much hurt. I called/text to see if he was ok and got crickets. He was still posting on social media so I figured I was getting blown off. Months go by and he pops up again. This time I'm seeing someone and frankly pretty pissed off but playing it cool. Over the next year he initiates texting me sporadically every couple months. I go back the following summer to see if there's anything there and to find out if he wants to see me - I'm still upset at getting blown off, but feeling like giving him another chance. It's complicated and I realize that. This time I see him and it's changed. He's no longer bright eyed and dashing, he's shut down and kind of short with me. I remember running late to our date and the whole thing was off before it began. Instead of going to a fancy hotel for the night he takes me back to his house that he and his exwife previously lived in with their children. The depression in that home was palpable. We have sex and he can't finish. Well, that's the end of that I think to myself. He's not into me. I leave again... we chat a little more afterwards if I recall, but I feel objectified and I'm pretty short. A few weeks later I see this girl popup on my facebook feed with him. She's way over the top publicly singing his praises and it's obvious he's met someone new.

3 years go by and I've pretty much forgotten the details of our time together. The "new girl" posts almost daily about her love for this man and one day in 2019 she announces their engagement. Jan 2020 I hear from him, he texts me and starts flirting and asking if I have plans to be back in town...I interpret this as him being a cheat and pretend I don't know about his engagement. He doesn't bring it up himself. Then the pandemic happens and I'm totally alone in lockdown for months. Nov 2020 I go back to help take care of a family member that needed surgery and I reached out to him. He just got married to the "new girl" 6 weeks prior. He starts immediately starts talking to me recalling our time together in VIVID detail. What I was wearing the first time we met, things I said and did, the weather, his attraction to everything about me, EVERYTHING. I'm totally blindsighted by this! I felt like I totally misread everything and that this man has been holding in real feelings for me all these years?!?!? I tell him what hotel I'm staying in thinking he's just indulging me...but also wanting to know if he'll actually act on things... He shows up at my hotel in the middle of the day!!!...and the rest is history as they say. So we've been in an emotional affair since Nov 2020. He says he loves his wife and he never talks poorly of her, only a few lines about there being some "foundational issues." She's remarried as well. Both have kids from first marriages.

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I love this man. One of his fantasies is impregnating me and he writes about it a lot knowing I want children. I've put it out there that I have real feelings for him and that I'd move to him if he wanted to try for something real together. He hasn't been able to give me a straight answer and has admitted to being confused. So finally last week I worked up the courage and told him that false hope fantasies start to sting after awhile and turn into pain and that I didn't think this was good for me anymore. He said that was a valid boundary that he respected. I said I wasn't sure how to say goodbye. And he said "It's not fair of me to drag you into my messes. You're too young, and beautiful, and smart! I do suspect the dating pool is better elsewhere though, but I don't know obviously." I knew this was the end for me and I wanted him to know my final truth and that I had grown to love him. My final words were "You'll always have a very special place in my heart. The first night we met I wanted you to pretend to love me... And now, I do love you... Careful what you ask for ;) . Such is life! And I'm thankful to have had you in mine - no regrets. Should you find yourself available again sometime down the bumpy road of life, don't be a stranger. Do take care of yourself. I wish you every happiness. I'll miss you and our lusty imaginings together. Farewell." 

He didn't reply to that. I feel sad and a little bit mad that he'd never share with me who I was to him. Did we miss a real opportunity? Did he have real feelings for me all along? Was I just entertainment? How can you say you love your wife and have a mostly good relationship and think about me day in and out? I'll never know.

TLDR: Old flame from years ago got married to the girl he met after me. 6 weeks after taking vows we connect and it's clear he's been thinking about our past together in vivid detail. We end up sleeping together and start what's now been a near 2 year long emotional affair. Last week I poured out my heart to him and ended things. He hasn't responded and I don't think he ever will. I wish I knew what I meant to him. Feeling sad.