Source
r/OCPoetry•
Moldybread303

First poem written in a while - "Her."

Poem

Waves of this, waves of that,

Memories surface without warning.

Shades of white, shades of black,

I close my eyes, go numb 'til morning.

​

In my dreams, it’s us alone,

I hold your hand, sat by the creek.

In my dreams, I feel at home,

But when I wake, I feel so weak.

​

Thoughts of her, of us together,

Passing years will change this feeling.

Storms have come, I’ve braved the weather,

You moved on, and I’m still healing.

​

Your goals in life, your favorite song,

These are things I still remember.

These plaguing thoughts, they don’t belong,

They’re burned in me like drifting embers.

​

This will pass, I will be fine,

Chin held up, my shoulders broad.

Cheek to cheek, my smile shines,

My cheerful bliss, it’s all a fraud.

​

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w6ji52/moving_on/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w6m10t/love\_me\_in\_the\_worst\_ways\_you\_can/

Posted Jul 24, 2022, 4:17 AM UTC

5028
goth-gurl-69•

I really love this poem. The intro does a really good job of locking me in as a reader. its catchy and rhythmic to hear. Its also like there is a sort of fight going on throughout the poem. Where the author is mourning the loss but also is aware that time will pass and things will get better with time, yet in the moment it all just feels so great. You might look fine, but you dont feel like

6
Moldybread303OP•

That’s exactly the message. Acknowledging that things will pass with time, but understanding that it’s going to hurt for a while.

Thank you for taking the time to read it

3
Emmertaler007•

Its pretty, I really like the last part “My cheerful bliss, its all a fraud”. Very nice :)

5
Moldybread303OP•

Thank you :)

2
ShiNoKikai•

This was genuinely hard to read. Not in terms of readability, but hurting. I like how the reader knows that his pain will stop eventually, but it's going to be hard to bear until then.

4
Puzzleheaded_Bet9443•

I resonate so much with this, not in terms of a lost romance but in terms of a damaged friendship/soulmate. The strength to carry on and repair, remember who you are as an individual, caring for yourself. The facade of happiness until it’s sincere, while memories try to pull you back into despair.

Thank you for your beautiful work.

3
lasirenmoon•

This is absolutely beautiful. I've been feeling like this myself lately. This really resonates with those feelings. Thank you!!

2
Moldybread303OP•

Thank you so much

1
thehiddenplum•

This was good I liked it

2
Moldybread303OP•

Thank you :)

1
Basic-Acanthisitta-5•

Nice man.

2
dilftilda•

this is beautifully rhythmic- i love the consistency of the ABAB rhyming pattern, and the emotional input in this. it portrays the narrator feeling grief of some sort, and you've portrayed it beautifully and with a perfect balance of intensity and numbness. good job!

2
Prudent-Garlic4672•

It's beautiful, raw and relatable. You write well, my friend 💜

2
depressiongalore•

This is by far the style/tone of poetry I’ve related to most on this thread so far, very well done. Bravo

2
SeniorAnteater639•

Hey, the fellow poet, great work you have done here. The poem has a really good tune to it, as someone else said before quite catchy and it stays in your head for some time. The feelings the poem tries to convey truly does reach the reader. Great work. And a very beautiful poem indeed. Made reminisce about the days I spent with the one i loved.

2
averyyoungperson•

Bravo bravo be proud of your writing.

It's rare I find a poem that captivates me, and I am a sucker for a good and clever rhyme. I think if you're able to rhyme while simultaneously communicating truths WITHOUT having to make stretches to fit the rhyme scheme, you've done a great job. Keep writing. You're talented.

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
I_Sing_Your_Lyrics•

Favorite verse is...

Thoughts of her, of us together,

Passing years will change this feeling.

Storms have come, I’ve braved the weather,

You moved on, and I’m still healing.

Great stuff, dude. I put some guitar and rhythm to this for fun:https://soundcloud.com/user-907418533-377333511/her-by-umoldybrear303

2
Moldybread303OP•

I like it. The mood of the poem is meant to be somber and relatively low or neutral, your rendition is very ska / upbeat. I like it, but I think minor chords with a slower bpm is what it really needs to hit the heart strings.

Regardless, I appreciate the fact that you took the time to take my work and run with it. 10/10 bravo to you my friend

2
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1
ohlawdterry•

Holy shit this is amazing

1
Moldybread303OP•

I really appreciate that.

I was regularly praised by my creative writing professor in college, but I never took it seriously. I’ve been feeling a calling back to it recently though. This was my first piece in at least 6 years

1
ohlawdterry•

This is one of the bests I’ve read in a while

1
Moldybread303OP•

Honestly, thank you.

I want to continue writing more. Maybe something less sappy next time.

1
Prudent-Garlic4672•

Sappy is good for the soul.

0
asearchforyou•

I'm not really a meter guy but reading this outloud the joy of the effortless flow kinda got lost a bit in line 6. Would removing ", sat" help?

The message also is a bit cluttered and unclear. I get that the author is wrestling with something important to them and maybe that ongoing work is the focus. Still, the food here isn't presented on a plate. It's not digested either. This poem feels like one big long "chew."

That's not a criticism, just an observation.

1
Moldybread303OP•

I appreciate the feedback.

The flow, I was trying to match every other verse with the number of syllables but I didn’t quite make it work all together.

Like I said in another post this is the first poem I’ve written in 6-7 years, just got a bug of inspiration last night.

Definitely needs work, but I’m proud of the rough draft.

1
SnugglyBooga•

I thought this poem was very good. I could feel the emotion, the feeling of loss and longing. I understood at the end putting on a smile for every one else even though it still aches in your heart. Good job@

1
MoonLie__idk•

Wow, I'm not really into these kinds of poems but this one is really good written

1
hunterclan09•

I really enjoyed reading this. I can relate to it and loved the flow. And how you know it will pass.

1