Source
r/OCPoetry•
TotalCake8409

Sticky neon stars

Poem

The stars speak neon,

my fathers finger stains gleam against their peeling edges,

I wait for their rain,

to the end an era of screaming with fire and glowing purple skin,

fossil bones scatter around my bed, the pants from 7th grade stained with carelessness,

sit crisply folded in a colour coordinated suitcase,

I dust off never moved portraits,

carry them to stench nostalgia near a caffeine piss soaked twin bed,

The stars held longer than expected, mother comments,

taking down posters of first crushes and cool considered bands,

Her age bruised hands work nimbly against the edge of barrenness,

She always wanted an extra bed, sealing within walls

and grey colour palettes, glimpses of the child that will return as a guest,

As she touches my cheek, I wish to climb inside again, live through once more,

days of endless chocolate and weekend rerun cartoon marathons,

The stars shake to protest,

Will they cease to glow as they rest finally in black trash bags,

I begin to scrape them off, standing taller than the monster under my bed,

A cosmic graveyard awaits,

only to notice the dust of my millennia stands to stain, shapes of their ancestors,

I pocket a star, and drag out my suitcase, knowing the universe of my childhood, I’m will always stay, even if it’s shine fades.

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Posted Jul 24, 2022, 9:28 AM UTC

13
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1
Vesurel•

I love how vivid this is, the details do a lot to sell the emotions of this piece and I relate to a lot of the images here. What I think works best for me is how you mix the cosmic and domestic scales to add a sense of weight to the small moments.

But there are a few places where I'm not sure the wording or formatting is right. I'd recommend giving it another read over or asking someone else to tell you what they think it means to check it says what you intend it to. For example I'd consider how you want this to be read out, and where to break up the lines, where you have lines with multiple commas those feel like distinct thoughts or statments and I'd have them be on different lines. As it stands the flow feels a little inconsistent, sometimes you break and sometimes you don't.

Hope that helps, and I'd be happy to answer any questions.

1
The_troll112•

i love this the prose is so good

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