Source
r/OCPoetry•
moonwrite

I Fold

Poem

heart of frost, all hopes lost

kinda wished our paths would cross but no

you left me in the cold

hung me up to dry then got scrapped and sold

no matter all the plays I rolled

I think we both knew in the end I'd fold

so I'll put my cards down, you called my bluff

I'll turn around, I knew I wasnt enough

I'll walk out the door, and I won't look back

my heart's not on the floor, I don't give a crap

the ante's too high, I can't reach the bar

so I'll say goodbye - didn't really get far

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w7qp7i/secret_psychic/ihl8b5z?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w7t1at/lost/ihlihfq?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Posted Jul 25, 2022, 4:51 PM UTC

55
weezrdleezrd•

Hey there!

Love the play on words and comparisons to a card game, it makes it visually appealing. During the line "I think in we both knew in the end I'd fold", it made me feel that the person speaking felt inadequate. So great work there! I almost feel sorry for the person, that they've been trying to reach for so long. If I could make one suggestion, it would be in your line "my heart's not on the floor, I don't give a crap"- I'd say don't be afraid of using even stronger language there! There is anger there already, and there is a sense of being "over it" or "done". So maybe something like "my hearts need no armor, like a fucking lilac". Overall, fantastic use of analogy! Keep it up!

2
moonwriteOP•

thanks so much! will def consider what you said!

1
GoldenGodOnDrugs•

Hey, nice piece mate!

It has this melodic flow to it that makes it very pleasurable to read. And the words you chooes to tell a story is giving the poem authentic and very honest vibes. Either it's about a complicated relationship or you had a very dramatic cards game. Haha! Thanks for sharing!

2
moonwriteOP•

thanks so much lol

1
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1