> Flaming red spots now zig-zagged along her significantly tapered vision.

I don't think "along" is the right preposition here. "Through", maybe, though I'm not a fan of that either. "Significantly tapered" doesn't feel like the right thing to describe her vision when her eyes are closed, either. Tapering I think of as similar to thinning, narrowing, like her eyes are squinted. Since they're closed, I'm not sure what to suggest here. I think you could just stick with the red spots without implying that she still *has* vision while her eyes are closed. 

> The sheet crinkled and plastered itself onto her perspiring palms as she gripped the edge of the table. 

I think "as she gripped the edge of the table" goes without saying, given that the sheet on the table is plastered to her palms. Or at least, they say almost the same thing and I want to cut one of them for conciseness. 

> “Are they what I think they are? They really spell out…?”

So I do like the last line of the chapter, and I

**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

I think this is a huge improvement over the last version I read. A lot of the believability has been dealt with on the medical side, Sofia is much easier to connect with now that she's not so mean. I think the prose in general is okay, but I could do with some more clarity regarding the setting in the beginning. 

**HOOK**

> Mirror, mirror on the wall, please don’t spawn any more demons that gnash, bite or maul. 

Okay, so, content-wise, I think this is a good hook. It gets the supernatural on the page immediately, and it has voice to it. I think it's the right idea, to introduce the idea of a mirror demon in a voice-y line to garner interest and set expectations for the tone of the story. That said, I don't especially like the way it was constructed. Does it have to have this clunky rhyme to it? It feels less YA (older teenage reader) and more juvenile. The opposite of lyrical. Is there a way to accomplish all the same things in a way that sounds better?

**LI

/u/legendarysalad, I have found an error in your comment:

 > “better if ~~its~~ [**it's**] a well”

You, legendarysalad, could say “better if ~~its~~ [**it's**] a well” instead. ‘Its’ is possessive; ‘it's’ means ‘it is’ or ‘it has’.

 ^(This is an automated bot. I do not intend to shame your mistakes. If you think the errors which I found are incorrect, please contact me through DMs!)

*Following all of those examples, I've identified two major shortcomings of this piece, your prose and your POV.*   
Prose:  
Your main problem is your sometimes purple prose and tendency to add unnecessary details and adjectives. I've highlighted a few examples in the above list. Be careful about becoming too wordy otherwise you may lose your audience in the fluff. Sometimes less really is more.  
POV:  
Your POV is for the most part solid. I don't know your experience in writing with third-person limited but it's certainly serviceable. However, there are a few major places where the POV slips out into a farther perspective, almost like a third, unknown character is watching the scene. For this POV it's important to not zoom out too much otherwise you may break immersion. This goes back to the show don't tell rule, where showing is more third-person limited and first-person, and telling seems to be more third person omniscient. As I mentioned above, sometimes telling is better than sh

Ok, so here are my many thoughts on your piece. As I'm not a professional critic or writer feel free to take my opinions with a grain of salt, or two for that matter. 

# What I liked:

**Story/Plot:**

I'm unfamiliar with the previous iterations of your chapter or your story, so I can't really compare it to anything or say that you've made any improvements, but I can say this. I enjoyed your first chapter. This is the third draft so I expected it to be mostly polished and I wasn't disappointed. The story flows smoothly from one section to the next, and I was able to routinely pick out key plot points like Sofia having some form of sleep paralysis before it was explicitly mentioned in the story. The idea of a sleep paralysis demon I'm sure isn't exactly original, but I'll admit I haven't read enough horror to find this opening bland or boring. Someone more experienced in this particular genre could tell you better if its a well trodden path or not, but I'm sure you have your own spin o

GENERAL REMARKS

I love the chapter I really do. I want to read more and I'm fully engaged which is rare for me in a fiction book. Well I hope this is a fiction book XD. Please post the 2nd chapter when ready. The writing is perfect in a lot of ways especially the second half dialogue (6 pages). The first 6 pages are a little clunky at times, and so I feel that the first 2 pages in particular could do with a content trim and smoothing out. I've left some specific comments on the doc and I will try to point to where a content trim could take place in the comments in case you agree.

MECHANICS

I like the title, and it hints at a book filled with a scary sleep world, a character trying to alleviate suffering, and a mystery that is finalised by an event in said scary sleep world.

The hook is certainly not hidden yet works like a charm. I'm interested already as there's a demon and the possibility that said demon will scarily appear at any moment. It's written in italics, repeated in a ly

The points I’ve made are only the things that pulled me out of the story or any errors that I found. Other than the things I’ve mentioned I actually really enjoyed it. I think the dialogue is awesome and believable and some of the imagery you’ve created is top notch.  You should be proud. The pacing is pretty perfect and there certainly wasn't anything that made me roll my eyes and I didn't get bored. Usually when critiquing something, by the end it's just a slog that I have to force myself through but that didn't happen here. I especially liked the very end, it really makes me wish there was more to read. Looking forward to seeing more!

&#x200B;

There’s just a few confusing things that if anything, for the most part seem like simple errors or slight oversights that could be quite easily addressed. If there is any glaring issue that I might have with it is that it can be a bit flowery and overly descriptive at times. Perhaps its just taste but I think you could improve this quite a b

Note: formatting is slightly different in the version I read, though it was up-to-date.

The core paragraphs are a bit spacious, and could be broken up (up to preference more than anything).

I like the early hint for the big problems, and the gradual build.

Descriptions are very nice, I like how I can get a good image without too much issue.

I love the "Don't stop the music" turning into "Don't spawn the demon" and how well that actually works. Made me smile when I finally got it.

The absolute dread the character has about this demon being portrayed with nearly every paragraph does a good job of reminding you of that obsessive fear, without being too repetitive.
Mustafa is a fun name to say. Mustafa! Almost like Mufasa!

I like how the somnologist asks questions without beating around the bush, while also being sensitive to the character. Really shows the connection he has earlier.

Again, I have to say, the struggle to pay attention to things other than the problem the character h

Hey once again DestructiveReaders,

I *promise* this is it lol. 

Behold the \[final\[final\[final\]\]\] draft for the first chapter for this YA paranormal fantasy novel: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vQsFd7Q1F2FyNYLtsAgXdML0sV8YgL1G\_Wkgo\_Hx21w/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vQsFd7Q1F2FyNYLtsAgXdML0sV8YgL1G_Wkgo_Hx21w/edit?usp=sharing)

Now, I did make some one major change. I've changed it from 1st to 3rd person now because I'm going to structure the book with a dual POV in mind where the first two chapters will be Sofia's.

Cheers :)

Sacrifice: [3,086](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/w7anqv/comment/ihlq5m8/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[2,355] It All Ended With a Nightmare