OOP spent $50k on the wedding and is not bothered about gifts but rants about not getting gifts. r/weddingplanning discusses.
Posted Jul 28, 2022, 8:37 AM UTC
4339
I was prepared to make an argument that if you have a destination wedding, you should be prepared for guests to arrive without gifts since simply showing up is a big expense.. but OP mentioned she attended their destination weddings and still gave generous gifts. Seems tacky to not respond in kind.
51
Money and class are two different things.
31
I think I would be really hurt by this too, but curious to know how these people acted with others in their friend group. I can't fully tell, but it does sound like at least some of this is their friend group, all of them (or many of them) being friends together.
I would probably want to ask my most trusted friends who DID give me gifts (and already got married) if X couple or Y couple got them a gift or not. I know that's not necessarily a fabulous idea, but I would be a little bit crazy to know if this was a ME thing or a THEM thing. If I learned through the grapevine "Oh, X couple never gives a gift", ok, then they're sort of equal-opportunity assholes. But if X could normally gave a really nice gift and didn't give me one? I'd be rethinking - at a minimum - how I gift-gave to them at future life events and also sort of...trying to gauge if we're not the friends I thought we were, and if they're tolerating me more instead.
My feelings stem in part from being part of 2 friend groups earlier in my life (once in childhood and once in early adulthood) that actually didn't like me. They either liked my best friend or the person I was dating and so "allowed" me in because of that. Both instances were really damaging to my self-esteem and I am really a giver, which both groups took full advantage of. Were I to start to suspect I was in the same situation now, I would want to suss it out and then make changes to my friend group as soon as I could.
24
I think OOP expressed herself badly her to start..but I do understand what she’s getting at.
It does hurt when you are really generous ( Whether it be with your time, energy, effort or your money) and that’s not reciprocated.
19
I mean, 10 couples (aka 20 guests) did give a gift or card or money. How many close friends and family members did she have conversations with about making a registry? Like, 20 people is already a lot of people to be close enough with where you have those kinds of conversations. I’m exhausted just thinking about how much effort it would take to maintain “top-level extremely close” relationships with 20 people (aka 10 couples). And then also some other high level of closeness with 40 other people (aka 20 additional couples) to the point where I just couldn’t believe that they didn’t know about my personal dilemma with the gift registry and/or the nuances of my expectations that I may or may not of expressed.
Also kinda weird that OOP refers to all 80 guests as couples, like ALL of their close family members and friends are in committed relationships? And they don’t associate with ANYONE who isn’t currently in a committed relationship?
-4
I assume that they say couples to keep the language simple. Most of my guests are in pairs to some degree (dating, siblings, very close).
5
Could be that all the singles were given a +1 on their invites? I’m only planning a small wedding but everyone I want there will get a +1 because I think it’s rude to not invite someone’s significant other even if I wouldn’t otherwise invite them. And unless someone has a breakup (knock on wood), only one of our guests is likely to come without a partner at this stage.
2
Yeah that makes sense but still a weird choice of phrasing just because the repetition of it makes it sound so intentional, and my initial reaction was like oh you don’t have any single friends or relatives? It’s a small bone to pick but just something I noticed.
1
I mean I know it’s not PC but I’ll be annoyed at people who don’t give us a gift. That’s wedding etiquette. I’m not expecting to recoup my whole cost, but I’ve been shelling out for all of their weddings over the last five years. This is supposed to be a reciprocal thing. I know it’s silly and doesn’t sound super great to say out loud but still. You’re supposed to bring a gift.
13
Sure, be annoyed with people who don't give gifts, it's just standard behavior, so it's weird when people don't. But a wedding is not a reciprocal situation. This is not Christmas. Your guests don't actually owe you a thing. You are inviting them to come and celebrate with you a big moment of YOUR life. But you are the host. And getting "a bottle of wine" is great and appreciated, but it shouldn't be the measure. Specially if you consider that just by attending they are spending money with clothes, travel, hairdresser, babysitter if needed, etc...that otherwise it wouldn't be spent. In some situations you can even think "but I gave them when it was their wedding.." and even so, you really don't know what's going on with them and if they can afford any gift. So, would you prefer people came and help you make your day amazing just by being there, or getting a gift? "attendance not required, just send gift" 😒 What OP's was complaining is a lot more justifiable, in a culture where card giving is still a thing, not even getting a card from your guests is really sad.
1
I agree. I think the food, drinks, experience etc you provide for your guests is thanking them for the time, money, and effort they’ve spent getting to your wedding. That’s the reciprocity.
2
I agree about destination weddings. If somebody took off work, bought plane tickets, paid for their own hotel and food -- THAT is the gift.
Send them a thank you for coming.
7
I agree with her. When you got to a wedding you give a nice gift, even if it isn't expensive. You give to them, they give to you, you give to their children's wedding and they give to your children's wedding and so on....
It's polite. With them referencing weddings in Italy, I'm going to guess they have rich friends... So it seems extra rude.
That said, ranting online does nothing but make you look like an ass. Esp when the wedding has come and gone.
3
I feel like just spending time and money on travelling and staying is the main gift for any wedding where people don't live nearby.
And if money isn't a problem for these people, maybe gifts don't matter to these sort of people, because they can afford whatever they need? However, not giving a card is rude. That seems very basic.
2
Please note that this is a crosspost. The text is quoted below in case the original submission is removed by the user/moderators.
We spent $50k on our Napa wedding and only 20 (meaning 10 couples) out of our 80 guests bothered to give us a gift.
Before I get downvoted to hell I just need to air this out. My husband and I are both self made pretty successful people and we made a wedding registry because people insisted on it. We didn’t even care about gifts or money because we could afford our wedding just fine and asking for le creuset kitchenware and bougie bedding just didn’t feel right when we just buy things that we want outright.
Our wedding cost us a little over $50k in Napa for 80 of our family and closest friends. The budget really shouldn’t be relevant but if you do the math we spent more than $500 per person. Our friends are mostly well off, with $1million+ homes, great jobs, they travel a bunch etc so it’s safe to say we’re absolutely floored that only ten couples gave us money and/or gifts while 30 other couples showed up empty handed. Where’s the etiquette!?
Like I’m sorry but if we gave YOU $200+ for your wedding in Italy, or to the couple that we gave $300 to for their wedding in Hawaii while also paying $1K per night at your hotel block in Maui, then honestly f*** you if you can’t give us a gift or token of appreciation for our wedding.
Even a card would have been appreciated. Our card box held only 8 cards at the end of the night. We served top shelf liquor, had an oyster bar, white truffle mac and cheese, nice champagne, etc you name it and I just feel so under-appreciated. The items on our registry ranged from $20-300 so it’s not like we were outrageous. The funniest part about this is, our friends insisted on us having a registry!!! And no, nothing is back ordered. You can see on Williams Sonoma and Crate and Barrel who ordered what even if it hasn’t arrived yet so that’s not the case here.
Thanks for listening to my rant. 😏
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1
Don't people have up to a year after the wedding to give a gift according to standard etiquette rules?
Not bringing a card though, that's pretty shitty.
1
"I didn't need gifts, so others made me make a registry, but we got married and where are my gifts?? *sob*"
-23
i mean if i was completely fine with not getting birthday presents, but my friends and family kept insisting to make a list of what i want, and i finally did, only to get nothing? or only 1 or 2 gifts? i would still be pissed, even though originally i was fine with getting nothing. it’s about getting the brides hopes up and setting the expectation of gifts
9
Entitled people getting married for gifts while pretending they aren’t #yawn
-27
I agree maybe not giving a card is rude but to say they've spent a huge amount of money, listing whatever over the top stuff they paid for for their destination wedding, only then to complain most people didn’t gift them anything... it just didn’t sit well with me.
Edit: giving a card, not getting.
-6
I'm a bit conflicted, mostly because it sounds like the invited friends were the ones insisting on registry, and it sounds like gift exchange is a thing in OOP's circle. I'm not comfortable with OOP's approach of, "I spent this much, so I should have gotten this much." On the other hand, if my friends bugged me about making a wish list and dropping hints left and right about giving me presents and then not do so, I should be allowed to feel disappointed and annoyed for the let down.
17
Okay. I know this sounds selfish in writing... But I don't totally disagree with this bride.
I didn't want a shower. I didn't want to make a registry. My mom threw me one and I was pressured into making a registry, and then had to add even more items because we had too many "little" items. (Like washcloths)
Some guests went above and beyond our expectations and we received some major gifting. Some guests ate, took pictures with each other, left without even giving a card.
I was so so heartbroken I didn't even get a card from some family. It was hard to write thank you's, and I believe it's the bare minimum for attending most functions.
I keep cards forever. I still have birthday cards from when I was a child. I have given cards or tags attached to housewarming gifts. I think notes written in cards are priceless and look back to them often. Cards help me when I'm grieving as well.
So yes, the entitlement is there with the money and registry. But if she gave her friends money at their wedding and they can't give a card? It hurts more than you think.
I’m definitely with you on the card! That’s absolutely the bare minimum.
I think the bride in this post is a little out of touch with monetary investment, but I can see from her point of view of feeling a little forgotten.
I wish she didn’t feel like she had to highlight all the expenses, it only hurts her more :/
I don't think that hurt her case.....I couldn't imagine going to a fancy party without a gift or card. Especially if that person attended my wedding.
The way she complained about registering and the gifts on her registry is what killed it. If you bitch to your friends about gifts, I wonder if word spread she hated her registry...? I aslo wonder if they threw her an engagement party/bachelorette and gifts were there????
Are we doing thank you cards for people who didn’t give us gifts? I don’t think I would…. like why? Thank you for coming I guess? But like I already threw this very large expensive party so you had the opportunity to see and celebrate with family and friends. The vast majority of my guests aren’t close to us at all…. my wedding is an event that they can hang out with other family members at. I don’t wanna write thank you notes to randoms?
Ive always been taught to write thank yous after parties, even if they didn't give a gift. When I was a child I wrote them for even my birthday.
Many people will buy a Zazzle one to utilize their new wedding photos. You have the option to not have to write anything in that case, just note who came (or subtract who didn't) and send it like you did your Save -the- Dates!
In my opinion thank you cards are a requirement for gift givers and bridal party members. Optional to those who just attended.
Think in the mindset of people who may have flown but couldn't afford a gift, those who aren't in a financial position to gift, immediate family/ elderly who you wouldn't expect anything from.
We have a crap ton of old people who cherish mail. I'm doing old school stationaries and thank you for attending.
I hadn’t thought about doing a “standard” one for everyone, which would definitely be easier than hand writing them to everyone. I’m starting to wonder how many people will show up without a gift…. so maybe I’ll do some personal ones and some standard ones.
Get a postcard with a blank back! Costco is my go to for photocards
It would be nice if everyone who attended gave you a card at least, I agree. But something you said makes me confused: To me it looked like you were saying that the bare minimum for attending a function was to write a thank-you card. Did I read that right? Well, no, it's gracious to write thank-yous when you've been invited to dinner or something, but not for going to a wedding.
No, she was saying that the bare minimum would be for her guests to bring a card. It doesn’t have to be a “thank you” card but just a card wishing them well, congratulations, something in that area. She was saying it’s hard for her to write out thank you cards to her guests who didn’t even bother to bring her a card of some sort. And I definitely agree with her. I would be bummed too.
Right on the dot, iPlush!
It's 100x easier to write thank you cards to those who attended and gave a card. I couldn't remember who attended and who didn't because I was writing thank yous based on the cards that we wrote the gifts on the back. Some family members filled out thank you envelopes for those who didn't attend. I needed up super frustrated because a last name on an envelope didn't tell me who came from that family. (We did partial co-ed so added even more complications).
And yes, bare minimum for most events are cards. Dinner with friends... Meh. Birthday party, housewarming party, Christmas.... Yeah. Attach a cute mini card to that bottle of wine you plan on opening, or bring a card a give a big hug!
I attended a NYE after wedding reception for a couple friend of a friend I didn't know (my best friend was roommates). I got a bottle and made a cute "congrats" tag with some ribbon. Took nothing more than $1 for the congratulations outside the alcohol which we drank together...
It's etiquette to give the couple a card. If giving a birthday person a card is a thing during their birthday dinner, then it is a thing to give a bridal couple a congratulatory card on their wedding day.