"Fixed-Gears" and "Commuters"

Can you guys believe the audacity of some of those people out on the trails? I saw one guy riding a bike that didn't have multiple gears or a brake! After seeing this, I totally mentally bonked and had to ask this guy how he could stop that abomination. He stated "Skidding, coasting, or my feet, bro," twirled his handlebar mustache, and left me in the middle of the trail to recover from my bonk with my Camelback of Kool-Aid.

Crazier still, I've heard that some people ride their bikes to locations like work, school, or stores instead of taking a car, bus, or train. Didn't they receive the divine word from St. Armstrong that bikes shall be used for riding in arbitrary loops for the explicit purpose of developing fitness penises to measure against other cyclists'?

Lastly, it seems that oftentimes both of these groups do their riding in street clothes, like they're not immediately going to return home after their ride to shower, then gorge on bacon. How are we to know what teams they follow if they don't wear jerseys?