I have so much joy....., c

But no one to share it with. I feel like I'm a joyful person to hang around with but the close friendships I have are sparse. I have a great paying job but it's not that rewarding. My boss expects me to be an asshole and he often tells me that's what makes me successful in the company. The sad thing is that I know it's true. And with that knowing, I keep pushing forward. You see, I'm in a very unique industry and this is all I know. I love my job and the benefits but my employees are sub par. I am a manager and oversee 55 people under me. The positions are very low skilled and it's hard for me to get a "team effort" from anyone. This makes things difficult. Low self a steam an I'm supposed to lead this department. Sad thing is, I have no leadership skills. I rule by force, downsizing and belittling. Fact of the matter is, this is who I am. In my personal life and in my business life. I have nothing when it comes to an dar to listen or a shoulder to lean on. I have accepted these facts as truth. And it scares me. I'm 30 something and have no kids. My best friend(father) passed away 7 years ago and I havent been the same. I am not a god fearing man and often think that if I were to go tomorrow, nothing more would be thought about me. I want to be happy. I want to be a good friend. I have good qualities. I just can't seem too find people that get "me". Sometimes I think it just doesn't matter. All I have let in this life is my mother. I don't want to expire before her but then again, I think to myself, "what have I gave her?". I'm successful in her eyes but gave her no grandchild. I feel I am failing as son, a friend and as a person. I'm not saying that my end is near, but I wouldn't be upset if it happened now. My thoughts have often bounced between living and dying. I'm not afraid of either at this point. Stressed? Confused? Lonely? Stoic? I don't know. I just know that not having someone to talk to has been killing me over the years and has left me empty after all this time.