Feeling Tired and like a Loser

I just don't know what I am fighting for anymore. I feel so tired of carrying on, and like I have lost the battle to feel any better about it. I can't find a point to continuing on living because it's not going to get any better than this. I love my husband, but it seems sometimes like all I am to him is something to cause him more stress. I love my son, but I don't see the point of struggling if all I can promise him is a life where he has to struggle and still won't be able to get ahead.

We are caught in a terrible trap. Unable to go back to school, unable to get better incomes, unable to do anything but flounder where we are at and become sick with the stress of it all. Everything is always money, and it is eroding my soul away until there is nothing left. I have always tried to be kind and giving. But there is nothing there now. I worked hard all my life, and there is nothing there now either. No drive, no ambition, no hope.

I am so sick all the time. Always in pain. Today it hurts to walk. Yesterday the same. Everyday the pain, enough to make me cry. No end in sight. I applied for disability, only to be told I must wait. How long? Who knows. I can't even get a denial yet. At least then I could move on to the next step. No, I am not sick enough even though I have a hard time just caring for my family. So back to work I go. I hope my husband is strong enough to handle the consequences. But what can I say? We need the money.

Always it's about the money.