Need help dealing with some mental health problems.

First off, this is a throwaway account. This is not a cry for help that warrants immediate professional help. I have scheduled an appointment and will go to it so please don't give me suicide hotline #. I am not suicidal. That is not an option. There is no TL DR because this is already way longer than I wanted it to be.

I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. Until I found reddit, I never thought there would be a so much like me. I am a skinny white male, I was not a popular person growing up. I never had more than 2-3 friends and only had 1 really good friend at any given time. I've been single for almost 10 years. Before that, I've only had 1 relationship that lasted more than a week or two and that 1 ended badly. I am also a registered democrat living in a very red state. To top it off, I'm also an skeptical agnostic/atheist. So I figure I'm more likely to find like minded people on reddit than anywhere in my state.

Anyways, like I mentioned before, I've dealt with depression for most of my life. Depression leads to low self confidence, which I believe is the primary cause of being alone. I am 'happier' when I am alone but being alone makes the depression worse. I've known for years that I need to break this cycle. I've tried dating a few times with mixed results -ranging from failure to complete failure. I've spent the last 5 years working 'self improvement' by doing things like removing unhealthily foods from my diet, exercising and forcing myself into social situations I have no real interest in in a futile attempt to "be normal". Honestly, I am in the best physical condition of my life. Thats not self delusion or bragging -its a fact. Unfortunately, even improving my self image hasn't helped with the depression. I mean it does make me feel better but only when the depression isn't bad.

The problem that has come about in the last few weeks is the depression has gotten worse than its ever been. I always have some "general depression" hanging around but not enough where I'd classify it as a condition. Just a by-product of me being me. I just tell myself its just a bad mood that and everyone deals with it so I can too. That general mucky muck crap I can deal with. but lately, I've had what I call "irrational depression" where I can do anything, even something I know I should enjoy but it does nothing. Alternately, things that should depress me seem to have almost no effect at all. Anger and frustration -usually because I can't figure out why i'm depressed, is the only thing that seems to make it through the muck. Which by itself, really isnt a problem because I am not an angry person or a person that hangs onto anger but its a symptom so its worth mentioning. When I get into the deep swells of what i've come to call "irrational depression" (depressed for no specific reason), the only thing that seems to help is ignoring everything -tuning out - focusing on an task/object and don't allow any personal thoughts to enter my head. In order for this to work for any extended period, whatever I focus on has to have no personal value to me though -for example if I clean up the house, I will see something that recalls a memory or something I have to do and it snaps me out of it. Working out can help if I can just do the work without thinking about how it affects me.

If I don't find some form of diversion, the depression overcomes me and go into an odd state where I have trouble making even basic decisions. It happened last week while I was driving and it scared the hell out of me. I was on the phone with my friend while driving because I was felling terrible so I decided to go to the gym to try to just focus on working out for a while and maybe I can tune out the muck until it passes. Anyways, while I was on the phone and driving, it hit me and I couldn't help but cry. I have no specific trigger, it just seemed to come from nowhere. Tears, runny nose, the works. Even while it was happening I remember thinking "WTF is this bullshit?" but I could stop it. I remember stopping at more than 1 stoplight. Thank science I have tinted windows. Normally, I wouldn't think too much about it. I mean shit happens right? just get over it and don't give it too much thought or you'll find yourself right back there. but on the other end of the phone, my friend is asking questions like "are you ok?" "whats happening" and all I said was "I don't know" but I don't remember having the conversation. That concerns me. My memory of the trip is fuzzy at best so I'm hardly in an position to doubt her. I had 2 times the next day that I started bawling for no reason but wasnt driving or on the phone so no idea if I said anything weird. Is that a thing?

Anyways, because of the degree of these recent bouts of depression and the event I described, I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist office and I'll go to it but I don't trust doctors to not just write me a prescription for whoevers drug is giving out the best free pens that week. The other concern I have is finding a doctor in this state that wont prescribe Jesus as a cure. I know that most won't for purely medical issues but for mental issues I'm more concerned that a holy roller doctor will think thats my problem. I've had "friends" and coworkers try to tell me thats the cause of of my problems. I mean its not like I can ask for tours and find a Dr with no religious symbols in their offices. Are doctors above that type of behavior and my concerns are unwarranted or is there a way I can watch out for that?