Rest in peace, friend. I'll always be thinking of you.

A year ago my dear friend Tatheer Shah passed away. There are times when that day feels like yesterday, others when it feels like decades ago. I still dream about the memories the two of us shared. Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's a nightmare. I'll be going about my day when I suddenly remember something the two of us said to one another. A random conversation, a stupid joke I made, something smart she said. I'll laugh to myself and sometimes forget she's gone, then remember when I want to talk to her.

Some days I get so upset I don't want to go to work or class. I don't want to speak to anyone. But in those moments when I'm lost and don't know what to do or who to reach out to, I think of her and what she would say. I always think of what she would want me to do. This entire year has been me dedicating almost everything I do in accordance to what she would want me to do. Because I know she would want me to be happy. That was her solution to everything. Her solution was so simple. Do what you think is right. What's moral and just. What will make you happy.

I quit a job I love so I can make more money to help my family pay their bills. I stopped speaking to people who were always hurting me even though I cared about them for years. I switched my college major because even though I love teaching with a passion, I also have an urge for art that can't be quenched (low-paying salary be damned). I got my car on the road and moved past my fear of driving. I went out and dated people because I promised her I'd bring someone special to her wedding. I pursued new goals and lifestyle changes to make myself healthier by changing my diet and going to the gym. I even quit smoking and started treating my anxiety disorder by meditating (something I've wanted to do for years but could never do).

I did all of that for you Tatheer. Every decision was made with you in mind. Always. And I'm a better person because of it. Even in death you continue to make me a better person. And that was your gift to the world; you always changed the lives of everyone you met. You were a beautiful person. A wonderful person. I aspired to be the adult you were becoming. I did not envy you like I envy some people with your blessed situation--I cherished you. I always have.

I think of you every day. Almost every morning you're one of the first thoughts in my mind. When I'm alone at night with my art you're a constant idea in my mind. You're always in my passenger seat when I drive. Honestly, I feel closest to you in my car. When I'm driving and I feel a panic attack coming on I imagine you sitting beside me and the thought calms me. Sometimes the memory of you makes me happy and it brightens my day. Sometimes it's painful and I have to fight myself to keep from crying. Sometimes I can't help myself and I become very angry that you're gone. I do cry when I get like that, but then I think of how you'd want me to be happy, so I stop myself and carry on. I use your memory as my strength. I can't explain all the things you helped me through in this year alone.

I love you Tatheer. I'll always miss you. I'm sorry it all had to turn out this way. I promise I'll drive up to Boston one day to visit you.