I turned 25 today...

Short back story, I've been treated for major depression, bi-polar disorder and extreme anxiety since I was 14. I grew up with an emotionally distant Mother who spent more time trying to win back the attention/affection of my oldest half-brother. My Father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who suffered PTSD after being drafted into Vietnam, chose alcohol over me when I was 13 and killed himself when I was 17. I'm on my fifth counselor, have tried an assortment of medications in their various combinations and dosages with little to no effect.

A few weeks ago the fact that I was turning 25 really hit me hard, and I've been depressed more-so than usual ever since then. I have nothing to show for it. I've come to the conclusion that I'm about as useless as a person can be without being in a vegetative state. My anxiety keeps me from doing 90% of the things I want to do, and the 10% of things I do do, it keeps me from enjoying. I am simultaneously the most comfortable and the most miserable sitting in my house, in front of my computer.

I have no desires, wants, aspirations, goals, etc. in my life, or at least, no real motivation to obtain the few things I do want. No job, no money, and rely on my only one friend to pay for me to do shit when he invites me out, making me feel like a complete burden even on him. I fully plan on being dead by the time I'm 30. I've grown tired of living, with only the memory of how it felt when my Dad killed himself keeping me from doing it myself.

My second nephew is about to be born, and I don't even care enough to go on the road trip with my 2nd eldest brother and my mom to go see him born, even though it may be the last time to see my oldest brother for a number of years (He's being deployed in a few months.)

Everything about life makes me bitter and angry, to the point where every muscle in my body tenses up and the only thought I have to go and just destroy things and hurt myself.

The best part? In a week or two, I'll be perfectly fine (with the exception of the anxiety) and all of this will be an after though, all the while I wait for it to come up again in the never ending cycle. I'm tired, Reddit. So very, very tired.