Fell in love with girl. Been 5 years with some rejection a long time ago until some more stuff happened and finally I poured my heart out to her today and the reply just took my heart and threw it on the ground and stabbed it multiple times and ripped it to shreds slowly. Fuck everything right now.

This is a long read and it's understandable if no one reads this. Just something about me falling in love and falling out and rejection and stuff. Idk, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I cant think straight.   Background: One of my best and oldest friends who I've known since elementary...well I fucking love(d) her. I've had a crush on her since then. It's been an on and off crush. She lives in Hawaii (I'm in CA), so It wasn't much of a big deal. She used to visit in the summer a lot and we'd just hangout at the swapmeet where our mom/other relative worked. Then she didn't visit that often anymore ending her frequent visits with one last hangout at universal studios. I can recall me being in love with her by then. I never dared to make a move since I'm a SAP when it comes to girls. We keep in touch on MySpace and AIM. We talked a little every once and a while. Then it stopped. Then maybe around 8th or 9th grade January, I can't remember, we started talking again on AIM. That led to webcamming every single day. Back then I was generally a loner at my school. I had my share of friends but I was usually an introvert who never really talked. I was at that phase where I thought I was depressed. Well maybe I was. I don't know. My conversations with her no matter what about was what kept me going. We also talked on the phone a little, a couple of hours or so. Oh god, i loved her voice. Then, as we talked more, the sessions became less frequent and we just stopped talking altogether. Somewhere within those few months, I had told her about my feelings for her. I was rejected. I like to think that it was because of long distance. Then we talk a little every now in then on Facebook. Then one day she announces that she is moving here. I'm pretty excited, hopeful maybe we can hang out often. I wasnt expecting much though. She came and a few weeks later, I was at her house. But my brother ended up tagging along. I was too SAP to make a move anyway. We watched a movie at her house. I sat a few feet away from her. There was no way I could move closer to her without being awkward about it. Oh god, I was so awkward. At the end of the day i got picked up. I assumed i lost all chances and that was the last time I'd see her. I talk to her some more though and ask her about hanging out cuz what the hell. She invites me to go see the Vow with her aunt. We go see it. I ask her to be my valentine. She rejects. I didnt think to make sure she already had one. I still don't know. We continue walking around the area talking about stuff as if the rejection never happened. I end up going to her house to get picked up from there. Awkward. Very awkward. I get home and just feel sorry for myself. We end up talking a little over Facebook every now and then. A couple of months later, I see a vague Facebook status from her hinting at a suicide attempt. Her friends are commenting all panicky but also joking about it. Some managed to piss me off with their jokes and I call them out for being assholes. She has had 2 suicide attempts before that I knew of. I wasn't going to risk not doing anything. I called her multiple times and messages her tons. Her friends could not reach her either. For the first time in my life, i dialed 911. I was shaking the whole time. I give them her address and they send a couple of cars over to the address, while I stayed on the phone with the operator being asked questions. After an hour or so, I am told that they didn't find her. She didn't live there anymore. Some friend of her randomly gives me my friends tumblr and me being curious, read through all of it looking for something. I see one or two pictures of her cuts. Her cigarettes. Some other stuff. I was horrified at finding out what she was going through. I also then find out that she had moved two weeks earlier. Not giving up yet, i got ahold of her sister, with the only knowledge I have of her being her existence. I told her what was happening and she thanked me for caring, which I honestly needed. I was doing all of this suspecting I was being paranoid over reactive to due to some stupid misunderstanding. Her sister and their mom which lived in another state couldn't get ahold of her. At this point I am giving up expecting the worse. Later in the hour, I get a phone call from the police. She's okay. But that was it. I didn't know anything. I had already accepted she was dead. I cried for one of the first times in a while. Rational thought slowly took over the next couple of days. I had made sure her sister update me if anything happened. If my friend had died, her sister wouldve  known about it, something she pointed out herself, which reassured me. A week or more later, i get a message from the sister saying my friend was in the hospital and they're about to fly down here to visit. I am relieved yet still worried. The next day I get another message. The sister and mom are with my friend and I. My friend did not know why and how she was alive, only that the cops came. She had went to sleep the other night after overdosing on a ton of pills. If they hadn't came when they had, she would be dead right now. Her sister tells her I called the cops. Im the reason my crush is alive. I felt nothing. Just numbness. all I wanted was to hold her in my arms in loving embrace and returned love. My own wants, her selfless indifference andor ignorance. It had been a while. I felt guilty looking at this event as the thing that will make her like me for sure. During that whole incident, i had send her a dozen messages, desperately talking to a potentially dead person try to convince her to be alive as if that helped. I had let her know for the first time of the significance of her webcam sessions with me back in 8th grade and how it helped me through my loneliness and depression. The next day, we talk on Facebook. She tells me what had happened that night and that she loved me. I wish. She meant as a friend, obviously. She thanked me and appreciated me and everything and I was feeling almost at the top of the world. If it weren't for the fact that she wasn't mine. She says she is moving back to hawaii. This upsets me. She says she will try to see me before she leaves. Next thing I know, her gambling addict mom drags her to Vegas and then nebraska. She is mad at her mom. I let her know I am there for her. She somewhat vents to me about it. On both of the convos we were having (the other one on Facebook comments) she leaves questions hanging and stops replying. I don't know why. They are typically obvious signs that she is not interested in my probably obvious feelings for her. But I was giving her benefit of the doubt considering what she's going through.

Friday: I pour my heart to her in a long message. Everything I've felt, my need for closure, her rejection or accepting. No answer until today Monday. I had assumed rejection already, prepared to let go even though with unanswered questions. She replies to me saying that she is probably not the person I think she is and that she's a cunt and stuff. I pour some more of my heart out to her and tell her how idgaf if she's a cunt or not, I fell in love with her, and whatever "her" is, I'm sticking with it. That was the gist. I told her to reject me if she was just trying to let me down easily. Last thing I remember is something about her meeting some guy in Vegas who's in the army and something about marriage. I wish her the best of luck with her new bf or whatever and log out. I decided i was done, and i headed to my room to sleep holding back tears. I then had to go help with a test online for my dad for his job and schooling, since he isn't good at english as me. It is very hard to think while you're using all your brain power to hold back tears and block out thoughts. I cry a little and used chlorine from the pool earlier at the gym as an excuse. My emotions and sadness slowly numbed during the test. During the test she likes one of my facebook statuses. Fuck her, i am trying to forget about her and seeing her just fucks me up even more. I am currently in bed, emotionally numb inside and not crying, which surprises me. Hopefully something changes and either i get over her and end the more than 5 year long story here, that or something changing in her that would make her reciprocate my feelings. But as of right now, her ridiculous reply is killing me. Sjsjsjd Fuck everything right now. I can't think straight anymore and haven't been able to since her reply.  Doubt anyone will read this far or give a fuck but yeah. Even I find myself pathetic.

Edit: typos