Doubt has ruined my life.

I was in a great place. I was part of a church who supported me through everything. I found that the idea of the divine inspired me to do well. Certain strange things that these strange people would attribute to a holy spirit were capable of infusing me with such energy that I could motivate myself through weeks of any difficult terrain. It was tangible, even if it was nothing of the divine. I knew what my place was in the universe, I had a purpose. I had a vast network around me. I was happy.

My church was a very liberal place. They took no insult in my questioning faith, nor did they deal any insults. They were fair. In fact, I left them, they did not leave me. I simply felt strange talking to them now that I did not believe. Yet I simply cannot motivate myself as I did. To me, it is not as thrilling to know that I came from the stars and that I am the product of evolution. These things were true to me while I believed. I have not gained any knowledge of my position, I have simply lost the idea that drove me. I have found that I cannot live for myself, that it took the idea of a God to rouse me. Yet I cannot believe, I just can't choose what strikes me as true. I cannot go to church, it's just too uncomfortable. I have to learn to deal with this lack of belief.

It's a void now. I know that I need to do things for myself, or for others, or just simply to do them. Yet I don't. I don't move into action like I used to when I was convinced that a judgemental eye was watching, and that a loving hand guided me and always had something better in store. It hurts me when an atheist says that you're not a good person if it takes the idea of God to make you do good things. By this token, am I not a good person? All I have is doubt. Not of God, but of my capacity. it's stupid, my ideas contradict my current belief. After all, if there was no deity, then I was doing all of those things by my own power. I cannot access this power without something, something I'm now missing. It's just pure drive that I'm lacking. I'll beat myself up for it. It's irrational, but the emotions are there to hurt me. God was liberty in comparison to this. As an atheist it is perhaps risky to say that religion was better for me. I have to be honest, though. I miss God. I know this: I am incapable of ever believing again.

But there is more. I used to take for granted the idea that I was a man. Yet some awareness of other positions has displaced this idea of myself. Another doubt. I have found myself analysing every action in my past. How hard I tried to be in the group of my sister's friends. That time I stole her top. The numerous times I had my nails painted. The time I had my friend lend me her dress and do my makeup. I spent the whole day as Zara, and felt so very pretty. At the time it just seemed like something to do for fun. In hindsight, was it for fun? I don't know. I have another void, but this one's an open question. One which I don't know how to progress in. One which my receding hairline presses a certain urgency into. With every internet search I find another word which means another position that I may be in. Yet google cannot answer my question "what am I?"

You know, ignorance is bliss. Being a straight christian man was great, and this is bullshit.

Of course I know what I must do. Healthcare is free in this country and so I have no excuse not to run straight to my GP. That is what I have said for a year or so. I don't know why I haven't. I just feel unable. I just come to the internet time again looking for magic words which no one has. Words which will make me do what I need to.