Translated: Gotou Yuuko's incredibly frank blog post about her long struggle with illness

http://ameblo.jp/goto-yuko/entry-11298337942.html

"An old story"

Today's blog post may be a little long. Because I'm middle-aged now. You may get bored halfway through. But if you'd like, please accompany me to the end.

In a previous post I mentioned that I was fighting a disease that resembled one I had in middle school, but even if you're discharged, autoimmune disorders can't be cured. You might have outbreaks or problems with platelet count or purpura, so in truth it's a disease for which you're under constant treatment.

But luckily for me, it was managable, and aside from not being able to participate in P.E. class, I was able to have a fairly normal high schooler's life. Even though my body was weaker than other people's, I would be able to live for a long time. I felt that that was the most important thing.

I actually had designs on going to college in Tokyo, but I ended up going to a school in Aichi so I could get a job at the municipal government. I was told that if I went from a local high school to a local college I would be able to get in at the municipal office.

I wouldn't say that work at the municipal office was "light," but it wasn't a big prefectural office nor was it a particularly large municipal office, plus it was right in my neighborhood, so I didn't have to tax my body too much by moving around needlessly.

With that sort of well-beyond-my-years thinking, I decided that I would enroll in my local college. Before I realized it, I had become an expert at abandoning my hopes, and had become a "mature" high school student.

But at the same time, I suddenly realized that I had never once thought of what I might really want to do. I wondered why living for a long time was important -- was there any value in just the length of the life lived? I thought about that a lot. I told myself that I shouldn't have those kinds of thoughts. My parents would definitely be opposed to it, I thought, and financially speaking there was no way I would be able to support myself if I set out on my own. Trying to work part-time would be too trying on my body.

But I thought about it anyway.

I'm secular, so I thought about why I was born into this world for no reason. I didn't want to shoulder a burden, or find some noble raison d'etre. But, I thought, since I am in this world, I may as well try to enjoy myself as much as possible. I began to think that life may have merit because it is so short, and with that in mind, I left college and went to Tokyo.

I secretly dropped out without telling my parents. I forged my father's signature on the documents. By the time I had bought a seal and affixed it to the form, I had calmed down a little. It had only been a week since I had thought the idea up, and even when I think about it now I think that I had acted with remarkable speed.

My parents cried. It was their turn to give up. I was their daughter, who had never spoken out of turn a single time in her life. My father was the first to assent. It would be difficult for me to come back home if they had been opposed to the bitter end. So to make the threshold a little easier to cross, my father gave his approval. I'll never forget his words.

Agreeing to not push myself to hard, and promising to come back for regular checkups, I left for the capital.

I went to Tokyo with every intention of being careful. I handed my records over to a Tokyo hospital and and had a blood test taken every week. I told my co-workers that I couldn't join in the drinking parties because of my health. I privately had a special diet delivered to my home. When I finally got the O.K. from my doctor to drink, I did drink, of course, but I also made sure to get plenty of sleep, and I took three days a week off from work at the agency.

Normally, for a newbie, this would not only be rare but outrageously rude, but because they knew I had a chronic illness, it was allowed.

But I enjoyed work so much that I slipped up. There were so many things I wanted to do, so I pushed myself. If expectations were placed on me, I did everything in my power to live up to those expectations. After all, that's what you live for as an actress.

I was in a dream.

I had had to endure so much since I was fifteen. I had never once honestly thrown myself into anything. I didn't want to hold myself back from doing anything I wanted to do ever again.

After a few years, my blood tests began to get worse. Of course, I was aware of my own body and the symptoms that were manifesting themselves, so I had already known for a while that my condition was worsening. Eventually there was suspicion that I might be developing a different immune disorder, so my doctor once again recommended that I come in for regular examinations, but I never went in for a second visit.

I'm sure it's because I knew that the results would be bad.

I had so much work before me that I wanted to do, that there was no way I could allow myself to be stopped. I thought, it's fine if I eventually collapse, but for now, I want to keep running.

After that, I stopped going to the hospital. I broke my promise with my parents. Every time I went home, I lied and said that my check-ups were going well.

For about three years, I had pain all over my body, and I took painkillers in order to be able to work. Eventually, just standing in the studio was enough to exhaust me. I thought maybe if I tried integrative medicine it might help, but it didn't. In the last year, it became so bad that I couldn't use a staircase without someone's help. I started doing solo recording sessions. At events, I would always be given a stool. I went on worrying and inconveniencing the people around me.

And so, having come to hate the office, I dragged myself into the hospital with all my might. Which brings us here.

I'm so grateful.

I only ever thought about myself, and my resolution to "keep running" was incredibly conceited. Selfish. How much of an idiot could I really be? How had the people who were looking after me all this time felt? I really must be stupid if I was never able to realize that.

There were so many people who would be worried or sad if something did happen to me. My parents, of course, but also the staff, my friends, all of you who send me e-mails and leave comments... I was finally able to realize that.

Your words are what made me realize it. I know it's much too late, but thank you.

I have written a lot of painful things up to this point, but the truth is that there was a happy discovery at the hospital this time.

It seems there is going to be a treatment for my autoimmune disorder. When I was fifteen, an immune disease was mysterious, incurable, and incredibly serious. For my doctors and my parents, it was like a death sentence. The twenty years that have passed since then are indeed a long period of time.

(Oh dear, that's strange... That doesn't quite match up with my officially-published age...)

Apparently there are now quite a few cases where it has been successful. When I wasn't paying attention, medicine had advanced and although it's not able to completely cure my condition, it has become a disease that can easily be controlled and lived with. I had been struggling this whole time without knowing.

The name of this new autoimmune disorder is systemic lupus erythematosus, or SLE. Apparently it's even easier to treat for people who exhibit purpura. Even my doctor, while telling me this, was saying, "You're won't die from this disease. More importantly, you need to think about your heart health."

I probably just gave him a blank stare and a dumb look. I mean, it's so different from the things I used to hear.

I thought to write this blog post of course because of all the comments you left, but also because of all the e-mails that were sent from people who were also struggling with an illness. I was honestly surprised at the number of them. But I'm glad you all sent me those letters. Those letters made me want to get my chin up and think positive. So, I wanted to try and do the same.

I'm definitely not your model ill person. I caused people so much trouble, worried them, lied to them, and was an igorantly negative idiot. I hadn't grown up at all since middle school. I don't think my words will be much help to you. Just, if you can think, that's right, Gotou-san went through stuff like this, too, maybe your spirits will be a little better.

This was a very, very long post. Thanks for sticking with me until the end. I'll write a normal, everyday blog post next time, okay? (*^▽^*)