My 2 week no contact hell

This is a sort of update to an earlier post I had done. Me 27/m, her 26/f, work together, dated 5 months and found she was never sure of the relationship. No contact 2 weeks and she came back crying because she couldnt stand working together, not talking, and how much she missed me. Sucker I am gave her another chance. 2 months later she ends it after a trip in which basically boiled down to she doesnt know if she wants to be with me or get back with her ex. 2 weeks no contact and she comes back again, always thinking about me, hates coming to work, wants to spend as little time there, misses me like crazy. I decide to try to be friends. Made it one week and decided I can not do it. Part of this being I found out not too long after breaking up she had gotten together with her ex, and also false hope was killing me. So I confront her and tell her we cant be friends and I wont be talking to her because I need time for myself. She gets pissed then sappy when figures out I am serious, but at the end of the night I kiss her on the cheek and walk away.

Its been 2 weeks and while some may not think its a lot, when you work with the person, they sit 16 ft away, and can see them constantly, it sucks. Every day seems like a step back but also a step forward. She has texted once (about a tv show), and emailed once (just an article), and I have not responded. I feel this is her way of saying she still wants to talk, to be friends, that she wants to see if I will respond, but also that she misses me. Its hard having her so close by knowing how easy I could crack and ruin no contact. But reminding myself that she knew she had something good (which she verbally said) and threw it away for an ex who left her high and dry fuels my fire. Every chance I get to in some way remind her that I am there, be it laughing, coughing, clearing my throat, to showing her that I am better off without her by going out with our mutual friends (more my friends now after what she did) and having a good time in front of her, I take it. I know these things bother her as she has told me before. Its my silent war. Yes I should keep her out of my mind, which I struggle with daily, but for some reason this seems to help. Little reminders to her of what she has lost. I still ask myself daily how can someone be so blind to the obvious, something everyone but her can see. But then I have to tell myself she is a child, still babied by her parents. To immature to care for her dog, pay her bills, own her own place, drink responsibly, not spend all her money, have an adult conversation. I have to tell myself I would be taking care of her, she cant be independent in any way, and thats not a relationship I want.

So here I am today. I wanted to type this all out so that I can look back on it in another 2 weeks, see how I have changed. I have learned that I am too caring and trusting of a person. I put people I care about before myself too much and end up hurting myself in the end. In this instance I tried, despite already being miserable, making her happy hoping it would make myself happy. In the end I decided now is a good time to be selfish, take care of myself, something she seemed not to care to do. And because of that I can say that I am not as afraid to go in to work now, I dont wake up with my stomach in knots, I dont get a sinking feeling when I see her, I am getting my appetite back, I am coping better with the loneliness, and I am one step closer to convincing my heart that this is not the girl for me. Not right now, maybe not ever. That there is someone more deserving of what I have to give, and someone who can appreciate it.

Thanks for listening/reading