Wondering why I require a "Buzz".. No specific addiction(anymore)... Moving around from drug to drug... Always sought enlightenment, just now from Reddit...

Just wondering if anyone was in a similar situation and figured it out... (Pertaining to the feeling of need for drug consumption)

Here goes...

LSD was the first drug I tried(on a school bus on the way to a rural high-school)

I smoked weed everyday for a good 15 years or so.. I drank occasionally.. Enjoyed mushrooms and the acid when it was available... smoked cigarettes during this time..

Experienced the morphine and coke for about a year(after being totally against it for most of my life) during this time I got into the benzos for a bit, especially the Valiums..

Met the woman who is now my wife.... I quit everything except the cigarettes..

Clean for a while...

Enjoying all aspects of life...

Never thought I could before... Didn't know, or at least couldn't remember how straight people got their kicks amongst one another...

Figured it out... I thought.. Found joy in such small things..

Started smoking weed again (for a couple more years.. )

Went to Japan & got married... Didn't want to risk getting caught with dope there, so I ended up drinking 10 liters of whiskey in the month I was there..

Came back, gave up the booze... Started smoking grass again..

I gave up the cigarettes and weed a year ago..
moved around from different nicotine patches and gums and inhalers..

started smoking again for a few months.. stayed using the patches and gum while I did this...

quit again.. though and haven't smoked anything for quite a while, stuck with the gum for 6 the last months... started up the morphine again though ... for about 6 months also..

Just gave up the painkillers 2 weeks ago or so.. feeling ok... serious withdrawals for about week..

gave up the nicotine gum about 3 days ago... I'm ok with that... weened myself ff of it, no withdrawals

Need a buzz... Started drinking.. Kinda heavy... Not during the days or anything, just after the wife and kid goes to sleep... Hard not to drink during the day though, it consumes my thoughts...

Keep thinking about the good old days when I smoked grass... Looking forward to picking some up this week..

I got a really good line on some opioids, if I want later in the week, but I would like to avoid the withdrawl that will come later... problem is that it is really hard to bone my wife down without ejaculating in 2 seconds if I don't have some morphine in me.. with it though I could make her get off until she makes me stop... Finally got her off a couple of times the other day without it so I know I can do it without......

I love my wife, she is the greatest.. She is from a traditional Japanese family... she works hard and has no need to alter her state of mind... We enjoy our time together, rarely argue let alone disagree on anything... We have a wonderful child who is so adorable, fun, and loving...

I have a relatively stress free life... I have no hang ups about my past... Nothing really that I haven't accepted and moved on from...

Not really looking to escape from anything that I am aware of....

I haven't had to work hard at anything in a good ten years.. (But have chosen to work hard the last couple years, going back to College... Don't see it as work, it is kinda fun.. )

I like myself... I am not bad looking for my age... (I can't buy smokes without identification and I am almost 35...) I am pretty smart....(Fairly decent programmer/certified for networking/network security etc..)... I am not poor or anything, (have been homeless many times, know what it is like, am ok with poverty... ) Wife and I just bought a house though and shit is damn good...

Why do I constantly crave an altered state of consciousness through the use of chemicals/drugs?

I always figured that if you weren't content with your current state of mind, that, that would explain the need to alter it with drugs.. But fuck me, I am pretty happy... I like myself and I like my life..Only thing I'm not happy about is that I just ran out of liquor about 10 minutes ago and have no means of getting more because it is past two in the morning...

And it isn't sitting too well with me that I need to consume a drug to feel satisfied for a while...

So this week, will I stop drinking cause I figured shit out, or because I started smoking grass and/or taking pills..?

Or just keep drinking regardless of anything...?

But fuck me some of the coolest people I can imagine were addicts and every time I experience what they left behind for us, I jones like a mother fucker...

Anyway, I am just rambling now, so an hoping to wake up in the morning, see, that I posted this, and the proceed find some wisdom on here left for me... First time poster & Long time Lurker, I am sure the Reddit community can come through and show me something I am forgetting, ignoring or just am oblivious to...

How do you stop wanting to get fucked up? It's been almost twenty years and it is still as good as the day I started..