Seriously considering killing myself. Crossposted from r/Assistance by request.

I feel like a sick dog that needs to be put down.

Ocd, Depression, hypothyroidism.

I've been put on medication and every time I am tested I am told my thyroid levels are always fine fine, then told that I need to be on another depressio/ocd medication.

It never helps, and if there is no help for me then the only humane thing is a mercy killing.

Lately I haven't even been able to get myself out of bed. 've had to bum food from Reddit for myself and my cats.

I am always tired. I sleep twelve hours a day and still wake up tired, but anything less than that and my eyes burn and I can't function at all.

Fromt he time I was i grade school, with no hyperbole, I was told I was a "Genius". always top of the school in test scores, I even got myself a few trophies.

Everyone always saw a bright future for me, and now that they see me struggling I am only a curiosity.

"But... You're so SMART!"

"I can't believe someone as SMART as you can't make their way!"

Try putting "Smart" on a resume.

I can push it back at times. I can function. I can have charisma. everyone who has met me not only likes me, but sees me as a singular person.

But lately I can't fake it anymore. I am so heartbroken I have been crying for the past two days. I see media all around me. Movies, books, commercials, voice actors, fluff news articles.

I could do any of that, and often times better than the people being paid a salary do.

I have smart, talent..

Fuck it. I was going to type a few pages but what does it matter? No one is going to help me. No one ks going to give me a chance..

I saw a new article today about some woman who was employed as a bus monitor and bullied by kids, ad someone raised nearly a quarter million for her. I cold retire for less than half of that and I'm not even 30.

I was bullied every god damned day. Mornings on the bus, afternoons going home. My own father knocked out half of my front tooth, and more shit I don't even want to mention.

But none of that ever made the media. The masses were never told to feel sorry for me.

Hell, I've tried to find a way to get into voice acting for years, but some bu, got promoted on Youtube and was given a chance on radio, only to waste it and get back into drugs.

I wouldn't fucking do that, so where's my chance?

Shit, I see writers on TV shows making six digits and go on strike, when I would do the same for 10K a year and be goddamned happy I get to do it.

I have such a fucking pain in my heart. I feel like life has punched a hole in me and every day I have to sit by helpless while all of the good blood bleeds out of me and my veins crystallize, leaving me only enough energy to look at the red puddle at my feet and see a reflection of the young man I used to be, the promises that I was given.

The lies I was told.

So call this a last resort, call this desperation, call it whatever.

I don't need empty platitudes telling how precious life is. I don't need someone to remind me of all the people I will leave behind.

I need help. I need someone to take my hand and put me on a track where I can function, where I can give what I have to give and be allowed to live in return.

I almost called the suicide hotline tonight, but I called them years ago and knew how it would go.

There would be no help, no direction. People seem to only care whether or not you are going to off yourself, but not give a chit about the quality of life you would have if you didn't.

"Living in a gutter? Just try harder. Oh? You are going to kill yourself? Well don't people care! You aren't now? Good. How do you get out of the gutter? Not my problem, just don't kill yourself. KTHZBAI!"

Enough rambling. It doesn't matter anyhow. I was born into a station, and I'm fucked.

I have some naive dream of a miracle here, but it's idiotic.

If nothing else, just think about this and don't have kids unless you can guarantee them a future.