just got into a violent fight with my boyfriend of 4 years

I am not looking for pity or to vilify my boyfriend. I want that to be clear. I know I am stupid for wanting to stay. A lot of our problems are my fault. I have serious anger and insecurity issues. We have fought before and it has gotten violent those times as well.

Tonight all started because our 5 month old lab peed on the floor. I was upset because he had done really good for the past week and he happened to pee right next to the bf but he didn't notice. We were watching a show and he, my boyfriend, was really into it an hadn't noticed the puppy peeing. I got up and rushed to the door to take him out hollering the whole time because of his oblivious stupidity. When I came back in i saw that my bf hadn't done anything to clean up the mess, so i went to the dirty laundry and grabbed a towel and tossed it at him. Bitching the entire time, and basically letting my anger take over. I was about to sit back down to continue the show and calm down forget about it ever happening, when he starts calling me a psycho cunt, and a mix of other really ugly things. This is all making me more and more upset and angry. I head to the bedroom to just get away from the name calling and baiting and he starts in on that as well. The whole time I am not saying anything anymore because I don't want to fight, I was angry about the piss and I blew up more that the situation called for I completely admit it. But I just wanted to finish the show do a load of HIS laundry and go to sleep. After about the 5th time of him calling me a cunt I had enough told him that "this cunt isn't doing your laundry" and from there it is a bit hazy.

He started screaming at me that it was over and that he didn't care where I went I just needed to go, tonight right that moment. He has never done this not like that, never gotten this ugly with me before. I have serious anxiety issues and social disordered which just compound my anger issues, so i don't have friends, nor do I have any family closer than 400 miles that could just up and come get me. Not to mention the family that would come would have killed him ass soon as look at him if they saw my fat lip. I am a full time student so I haven't worked since the start of the year, no vehicle, no money I have literally nothing. So even if I did have someone to come get me I'd have no money to offer in exchange. So I was flat telling him that I wasn't going to leave. That's when he grabbed me, I can't remember where and started to try and force me out of our bedroom. Again it gets fuzzy on the details but it lasted approximately 15 minuets of us grappling and fighting, the whole time the poor puppy is hiding some where (like a child who thinks mommy and daddy are fighting because he did something wrong) and our other dog barking and freaking out. I know at one point he had choked me and threw me against a wall so hard i smacked the back of my head causing my vision to blur. I swung a punch or two, I know he punched me in the face twice. Not as hard as he could though, if he had I'd be in the emergency room with a broken jaw. At one point I had a fistful of his hair and he slammed me to the floor and dropped his elbow on my head, we have concrete floors in our apartment.

The fighting was over at that point, I was done. I half lost conciseness for a moment, I think I may have a mild concussion. All I remember was seeing my phone on the table above where I was lying and grabbed to to call 911. I got the number dialed and the dispatch had picked up when he saw what I was doing and he quite literally pounced on me as I cried out "please help me" and he smashed my phone to the floor, shattering it.

I remember him raging at me over it and calling me every fowl name imaginable, and all I was thinking was 'please just stop, I'll go. Just please stop' I was still in my scrubs from class and if I was going to leave I needed to change out of those into street clothes. I kept half falling out of conciseness every time I'd stood too quickly so I ended up smacking my head once more from falling. I don't know how much time passed before the police showed up. I remember feeling horrified by what I did. My boyfriend is looking at a promotion and I am a 4.0 nursing student. we have had our bad times but things are suppose to start to get better now. I didn't want him going to jail. I sure as shit didin't want to go to jail. There was assault on both sides. I told the officer that everything was fine, it was just a fight. Terrified to go back in and mortified to the thought of being taken to a battered woman's shelter. I am not a battered woman. They don't fight back, he's a big guy, but I'm no pixie. He's hurting,both physically and emotionally i guarantee that. I know he loves me, and I can't imagine my life with out him.

This whole blog, or whatever you want to call it, I have been calm. until the preceding sentence. I want to know how to fix us. I want to be in a healthy loving relationship. I want to be less angry. My anger and animosity towards everything, and I do mean everything. From some idiot driver, to a stupid article I read on reddit, to the fact that what constitutes as "music" these days. Nothing that I can change, but all of it has the power to send me into a rage that not only ruins my day, but causes me to be down right abusive to my poor dogs, which bless them for not hating me even if I deserve to have my face bitten off. My bf has single handedly changed the way his company has done business for the past 25 years, to not just make it more profitable but more efficient as well. He has been working 19 hour days for the past month almost. He has his stress and all my anger dose is exasperate things. I wish he wouldn't drink so much, I nettle him about that quite often. Been giving him a break lately because I know how hard he has been working and know that it helps him sleep. However for me it isn't only the social disturbances with the drinking but it's a health thing as well. I fully believe if he didn't have to listen to me gripe he'd drink a pint of liquor a night. Maybe that's not as much as I think it is but it seems like an awful lot. Weekends is a whole other story he will kill a fifth on his own and the go to the corner shop and buy beer. Repeat the next day. I don't want him in AA, personally I think it is a crock, unless you are willing to deal with the religious bull shit that ties into it. I just want him not to be a drunk.

Wow I have rambled long enough any advice is welcome, whatever sense you can pull from that wreckage anyways. And please I know this is reddit where the absolute worse can come out in people, and I know as on out sider how this must look, but if you only have shitty dick headed things to say, please, tonight has been rough enough.

TL;DR got into a violent fight with my boyfriend over something completely asinine. He was yelling at me to get out, I having no where to go refused. Traded a few punched, got choked out, called 911 after had my head smashed on a concrete floor. Phone shattered, he was drunk. Love him, he loves me. Most if not all stems from my anger issues, although his drinking doesn't help anything either. My anger has caused me to lash out abusively to my 2 very sweet loving dogs and it makes me feel like a monster. Don't be a dick.