Forced back into the closet this coming semester...I have nothing to keep me going anymore.

Last year was my first year of college. I loved it. College was my heaven, it was the first time I was just out. I never hid my sexuality, if someone asked I told them, I wore a rainbow bracelet sometimes, I was part of an LGBT group, I went to LGBT events, my roommate was fine with it and even asked me about my dating life. My friendships were so much better because I didn't ever have to hide anything. I was a much happier person.

I was so happy. I hadn't been satisfied with my life in so long. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. For me, coming out took my sexuality off the front burner. I could finally focus on life, like normal people do. I didn't have to calculate my every move around people in order to seem straight. I could just live.

When I went home for winter break (which is a month long), I realized how much I hated my home life. I became depressed and irritable in a couple of days, just like I was in highschool. I found myself depressed every single night of that break, just like in highschool.

When I went back for my second semester, I realized that summer break was not going to be good. Nearly 4 months back home, I knew I would become chronically depressed, and that looming darkness ahead put quite a damper on my semester. But I was right. More than two months in, and just like in highschool, I hate everything. I hate my parents, I hate my sisters, I hate my room, I hate this house, I hate this town. I hate everything. But I have had the light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to, going back to school. I look forward to going back so much I look at my class schedule literally every single day. I look at where my room is going to be, things I'm going to do, clubs I'm going to check out, events I will attend. It was what kept me going.

Yesterday, My mom destroyed that light. She told me one of her church friends sons is going to be attending my college next year. He has my major. He's in my dorm. He's on my floor.

I know this kid, I haven't talked to him in years. The only reason we were friends was because our mothers were friends. He and his family are devout Christians, just like my parents. His presence is not going to allow me to be out. It will easily get to him, he will tell his mom, and his mom will tell my mom, and everything will go to shit.

Last semester was so great...I was even seeing a guy for a month. Nothing came of it, but it was my first introduction to the dating scene. It was nice to do things normal people my age do. But now I'm going to have to go back to hell. The way I'm living now, during this break, is going to extend into next semester, and quite possibly until I graduate. I can't move away from the hell now, I'll be taking it with me. I can't go to the closet permanently, not after I've experienced the other side. If this comes to pass, I know I will not survive the next 3 years.

The light at the end of the tunnel is gone, and quite frankly, I've lost hope.