Awkward smoke sesh

Just acted the most awkward I ever have at a smoke sesh today affter not smoking for like a week. Was twitching. Was making awkward eye contact. I was acting pretty weird. Getting laughed at, recorded, poker faced to. At the end of it, I burst out with mock laughter of their concceiled bitchy gossip. Sure, I have social anxiety and just got prescribed prozac and counselng. Counseling for that as well as my OCD. I burst out with laughter and then I said mockingly "Oh, y'all some comedians huh?" and everyone was looking uncomfortable and knowing that I know they were making fun of me. And I walked away until I passed the garage on the other side (we were chilling in my buddy's garage) I pushed up against the garage door and said "WHATCHU GUYS TALKING 'BOUT?" in a Freddy Kreuger/Christian Bale's Dark Knight voice and I think I heard some eeks and some "wtf"s. Awkwardest [10] ever. And I have OCD about lying and I'm not supposed to be smoking under my parent's watch/guardianship so I hope they don't ask me if I smoked because I'll have to lie or face getting kicked out of my home in my 5th year at a top 10 public university (WOOOH BIgshott) with a shit ton of student bills. I can't risk that so I have to lie but my OCd will make lying so difficult. Just got backf rom the kickback. Still at a [10].

I was pretty popular/sociable my freshman and sophomore and even possibly my junior year. But i steadily have become weirder to myself. Aloof. Anxious. Depressed. Financial issues. Sexual orientation issues. OCD issues. Eventually crippling social anxiety. It's compromised my studies because I dread going to classes. It's cause I think they can see my shakiness/weirdness/anxiety and that makes it more severe, essentially a positive feed back loop of awkwardness. I stepped out of my comfort zone tonight to hang out with all these new people when i'm usually pretty reserved/asocial. And I awkward out. Awkward stoner issues. I'm not gonna blame weed but I think my addictive tendencies have my socially isolating myself some and it worries me sometimes...but I've been really responsible lately with smoking tendencies. Perhaps once every few days but to be honest, I guess my mental health worries me sometimes. Apparently schizophrenia is genetic to some extent(10 percent chance increase if you have a relative ). Also, there have been studeis to correlate heavy cannabis use with increased rates of schizophrenia but there's no way to tell if that's an indication of causation or whether the disorder compels you to abuse substances...I read that schizos do tend to have a lifetime history of substance abuse. I hope I'm just going through some identity issues right now like I think i am and not possibly going crazy. My mind is really disorganized and I have mental tension and I hope my thoughts are often negative. I hope this Prozac helps soon. Just started it like a week ago. Anyway, it's good to be high tonight even if I do have to lie to my parents about it later. I just need to make sure I get it together and graduate from university and try to get a god job. Just gotta keep going.

Still sane (hopefully),

pho20