Tired...

Four years ago I had it all. I quit drugs, had the perfect girlfriend, was about to have a very comfortable position in a new company, more friends than I could possibly imagine, and confidence beyond any means. And then it happened. Just a ripple. Arguments that we could easily move past from. Push backs with funding. Friends disappearing. But that was fine; I mean it was only a ripple. Then came the wave. Arguments became fights. The company was failing. Friends began to turn on one another. My confidence was waivering. Wave after wave I had endured. Then came the tsunami. Boom. She left. The company went under. Friends were now enemies. In the end I began to question myself.

Still, I managed to keep my head above water. I rebuilt myself after her. I found a decent job in the mean time still hoping the company would take off. I kept a few close friends. But still the waves kept coming. And then I lost my apartment. I had to move back home 1300 miles away from everyone and everything I have known. AND still I kept my head above water. But now I beginning to drown.

I work the graveyard shift which limits any social life. No friends really to hang out and vent to. I sleep on a daybed in my mother's house. And I'm 24 with no more direction. I've lost everything.

My family friend suggested I look into the army. Later he is going to take me to a recruiting officer. I'm highly considering it. Maybe its what I need. I won't make my final decision until my trip to florida at the end of the month. Talk to the few remaining friends I have. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of these inane thoughts I get when I'm at work. I'm just tired.

And through all this I still think of her. I get these dreams where we are still together or she needs my help. Its been three years and I know that will never happen. God must've damned me from the beginning. Well. I hope I will somehow prosper through this. I still believe in people. I still believe in love. And I still believe in myself but the current is taking me under and its getting harder to breathe.