just want to write it out

Growing up in New York shows you everyway a man can fail. Granted I moved away after Primary school to a small off-the-map town somewhere in mid PA, i kept in touch with those friends seeing each one of them personally degrade on sites like facebook and twitter. I try to help them individually but they reject me, as if im some parasite. I remember losing most contact, even going as far as "defriending" them on facebook, all was done around my years in 7th grade. I began to take hobbies and make new friends, most of them in this town felt, lesser, with no personality, with no... actualness to them, they all felt fake. I wondered if it was because I never got to know them individually, i didnt want to learn who they were. I didnt care. Soon as my flower begin to blossom in my early teens i would begin to notice "more" features of the opposites and my peers. They began to notice the same time of me as well, and the style women began to develope, trampy, for men, muscular. I was the first to stop caring, "sexyness" did not matter. People would ask me who i thought was hot, i would give a faintly-pompus response and say myself. Causing a few laughs, others however got more persistent. Who is it? Who is it!? I turned down each and every attempt, it was not until 8th grade when i realized who i found attractive. This shell of a lonely pale girl in the corner of the classes who wouldnt say a word, she was the one who would leave school for various days of the year with no strong reason. I wondered why, it is what brought me to her, i wanted to help her, i wanted her to look up to me as her hero. I wanted to be a hero. I was influenced to this attitude by my avid reading of lesser-known heroes and child readings of captain underpants and nate the great. A fortnight went by of me fantasizing this praise. A message to her on facebook led to an amazing conversation of the weird and dumb conspiracies which teenagers have and in two days of us sending texts to eachother in which we would talk until both of us passed out at 2am. It was a magical time. This days past and each and everyday we would talk about anything. Ive learned who she likes, while she kept guessing who i liked, as if id tell her. A friend of mine found out about her and suddenly gained feelings for her, he was turned down quickly. Another gained feelings for her randomly too. He also was turned down. However it was quite the scare on my part. I wanted her to be mine, i wanted her just to protect her. I am selfish. A year passed with nothing going on until before school ended on my sophmore year i found out i was moving. As i told my friends, everyone was sad, herself, devestated. I left, when we talked she told me about how this was the worst day of her life, she went mental, she became delusional, sentences describing me living with her that werent actually possible were spoken. i wasnt there to protect her, from myself not being. I felt unaccomplished, i felt terrible. I tried to cheer her up, i told her i loved her. She loved me back. Through text even this felt powerful, but why did i percieve it like this? I knew she didnt understand what i meant, but i understood how she loved me, and of course, how much she actually loved me. As a best friend. I began to dream vividly just about holding her, i never mentioned these dreams to her. I didnt want her to feel disgusted that her close friend had actual feelings for her, if i said that, we would slowly drift away. I want to visit her, but with my family running out of money, and no motivation to go back to that old town. Chances began dropping, we started talking less and less. I wonder, could i have made a difference? Was their a reality where i could just hold her? can i change the outcome of us drifting apart? This may not be the right subreddit, this is a throw away account. I just needed to get this off my chest, i just wanted to write it out.

tldr: im young, met girl, think i love her, i feel bad, want to write out, wrote it out

Im sorry for the grammar, and spelling mistakes i am writing this late (5am) and on my phone. Just wondering if anyone on this empty subreddit can help or make me feel better. I am also sorry for the fact this isnt written in standard reddit story form if anyone cares. Thank you for reading.