I'm not attracted to my girlfriend, but I can't bring myself to dump her.

She's fat. Really fucking fat. I don't like fat girls (although I end up sleeping with a lot of them, since it seems they are the only ones who actually want me). On top of that, she's fucking crazy, cuts herself, doesn't wash often enough, has terrible dress sense, sits around all day doing nothing while her house falls into chaos around her. Just generally a big, horrible fuck-up.

She's a nice person, in her way. I like her sense of humour. We get on OK. I also feel really sorry for her, because she's such a fuck-up. I'm quite a fuck-up myself and I have a real pity for anyone who seems more messed up than me.

Weirdly enough, the sex is OK. Maybe because she's a depraved slut who is up for all kinds of kinky shit. Maybe just because I'm desperate.

When it really bothers me is when I need to be romantic and tell her how pretty she is. It feels so bad to be lying about that. All I want to do is tell her that she's ugly. I think if I could just be honestly abusive and cruel to her, then I'd actually be quite satisfied. But even though she's kinky, genuine humiliation isn't her thing.

She was a fat fuck-up when I met her. I guess a combination of pity, lonliness and sexual frustration was enough to make me think I could overlook how unattractive she was. Hell, my girlfriend before her was ugly, but I still miss her. In fact, I bet that if I did break up with my GF, within a couple of months I'd be desperately missing her. Plus, I feel responsible for looking after her and I'm fairly sure she would be really messed up if I left.

I suspect that I'm the only thing currently keeping her from serious self-harming again and I'm afraid she might even get suicidal if I leave her. No way I can handle the guilt of that.

Posting from an Alt accout, because she reads reddit and I don't want her to find this. Fuck, I hope she doesn't find this, but I really need to say it.