I've decided it's time to get medicated.

My whole life has been an exercise in denying my ADHD. My mom was a social worker and actively blocked my getting a diagnosis when I was a kid because she didn't approve of the way that it was being managed in the school system.

I was a poor student who thought in an unusual way and just couldn't get by until highschool when I was introduced to better teachers more objective subjects and something challenging enough to keep me interested. I went on to fail my first year of undergrad because I had no idea what i was doing or how to study or learn or plan my days. Then I found a subject I was interred in and started getting better grades.

I took the LSAT and scored in the 97th percentile. Meaning I scored better than 97% of the people taking the test to that by year. The reaction at home was not pride or congratulations but annoyance that it had such bad grades if I was clearly smart enough to do better.

I got into law school by the skin of my teeth and went away from home where there was nothing to do but study surrounded by like-minded people and did pretty well.

I started a business, got married, and just lived all without medication.

I'm lucky that my parents supported me financially because if they didn't I wouldn't have kept finding my footing.

But I want to cry every day because it's all just so hard. When I look around me all I see is the things I can't make myself do, this last month all I've done at work is watch tv on my phone and beat myself up for not being able to get anything done.

The more complicated life gets, the more things I have to juggle, the harder it gets to not spend every day burnt out.

Last year when trying to get a cannabis prescription for my anxiety a doctor told me I owed it to myself to get a diagnosis and medication, at least once to see what life could be like. So I put myself on a waitlist to get diagnosised through government covered serviced and it's been a year and they haven't called me for an appointment. My doctor said it would be better that way because the clinic could prescribe and she could just maintain the dosage, but I have insurance and I can get my diagnosis through private means.

My husband also doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and reliance on them. Even for himself for legitimate medical issues, if there's a way to treat things naturally he wants it.

So today I've decided, enough feeling like a constant failure or feeling like my past succeeds means I shouldn't need medication. I'm going to schedule an assessment and make getting medicated a priority. I don't need anyone else's approval I don't need to bare knuckle life and be ..what.. morally superior? For not taking medication. I dont need my husbands blessing. I just need to do what's right for me.