I feel so alone

Do any of you just think that you was born to be alone? That it's Gods plan for you to live a life alone?

I never had friends growing up as I was always the nerdy kid that would read books in the library rather than socialise. My whole childhood up to now has been socially depriving for me. Whenever I do try to make them, they would always call me weird or a freak, so I gave up on it. I now have a way of thinking that is 'if I don't try, I'll never be disappointed or let down', and that has seeped into most of my life now.

I'm in a position where I want to find 'the one' for me, but I'm scared to because of my previous experiences and like I said earlier, I can't be hurt or betrayed if I never start in the first place.

I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety at 18yo, and major depressive disorder (clinical depression) just last year. I've already self harmed and tried to overdose because I couldn't accept the fact that no one wanted me in their life. Luckily I haven't tried anything stupid like that in a while now, but that's because I'm on some very strong meds, and I have come to the realisation that this is my life, and slowly started to accept it.

I'm 22yo, and I'm already preparing to live a life of isolation. Where it's wake up, work, eat, sleep. Sounds like the definition of insanity, but it feels like that's the only route I have left where I won't be hurt by others. I would love to spend my life with someone (close friend or partner) but I won't meet the person for me, I've already accepted it.

For anyone that says 'start a hobby', I'm an avid golfer but I don't have anyone to play with, so I'm always playing on my own.

I know I won't be the only one in this position, but it really does suck. To see everyone you knew from school get into relationships and getting married or even starting a family, and I'm sat here with no one. I've removed myself from all social media that I would know people from because it just depresses me more. It hurts even more when you see douchebags get into relationships and not you. Makes you think that you're doing something horribly wrong.

I'm sorry for the ramblings. It's a lot to get off my chest, but I'm ready to live a life of boring insanity and there's nothing I feel like that I can do about it.

Thanks for reading.