How to manage fear and jealousy once the relationship is opened?
Almost 6 years a couple, but not living together. After much talking , we opened up. She had concerns, so she took the lead of both setting up dating profiles and meeting people, which I was perfectly fine with. Our guideline was basically for her to do her thing, but let me know after any escalation to see if I was still comfortable. After she hooked up with a couple different guys, I got the green light to do my own thing, too, but she did not want to know about any of my interactions. This eventually made her nervous in terms of assuming the worst in what I was up to. After some time, I gently told her that I had also hooked up. 2 months later, I met someone where we had crazy good sex. She is partnered, but on paper seems like an incredible threat to my girlfriend. As my girlfriend and I had not really communicated well about what was happening, I thought more information would have been more useful. Whether timing or specific details, it did not go over well.
There is no threat, because the entire goal of mine is variety. This other woman is great, but different. I've only met her once, but it seems like we'll see each other again, which has really triggered my girlfriend, who then brought up general frequency, etc, which triggered me, because I do not like to feel controlled if nothing is being taken away from our relationship.
She feels that the focus from our relationship could be taken away, even if she herself is planning on meeting up with a single guy and even a couple. We've never had a threesome, but I understand how such an experience might be for hers to first have on her own.
Any pointers on navigating things once things have been put into motion?
Posted Aug 16, 2022, 4:25 PM UTC
For me - it was realizing that monogamy doesn't guarantee you'll be together forever. Each of you could leave each other for any or even no reason.
The biggest reason people here don't promote a don't ask, don't tell policy is it shuts down communication and you're basically hiding something from your partner that could hurt them. Being ok with everything can be a process that takes time. It's also part of the work you both need to do - sounds like more her than you.
I don’t do dadt, I’d find the lack of communication frightening. That being said, I’m most comfortable with just kind of the summary version of what’s going on. I don’t need the blow by blow or even peoples names unless they are especially significant to my wife for some reason. She feels the same about my largely theoretical activities.
Just adding on to his comment.
It takes a lot of adjusting and reassurance.
Books about open relationships are really helpful. (There’s a big list on the polyamory subreddit). They’re more geared toward full loving poly relationships but there’s loads of great information that’ll be helpful.
Lots of open communication and learning to trust each other.
Looking inward and finding your insecurities and working through them (much better with professional help). It’s a lot of learning to regulate and process hard emotions in a healthy way.
I don’t think there’s a easy way to get over or through the emotions. Change is rarely easy you know? This is a BIG change and it’s likely to be turbulent. You will hits bumps in the road and best you can do is support each other through them.
This is great
So we have certain rules. Our DADT involves sex acts. I don’t need to know what her boyfriend does to her, better or worse. Other things like plans, dates, feelings are talked about. When she falls in love with other men, I get jealous and insecure. Time makes that better. Reassurance helps too. Our DADT style works for us, right now. As it progresses, things may change. For instance, when we first started and my wife went on dates, I was like: no sleepovers, home by 3am, condoms forever, nothing in our house. Now? Please keep it out of our bed, condoms until STI’s are proven (and pregnancy).