Stagnant

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Thank you for sharing. Some things I like:

• parallelism if I have , I turn, I am, I watch, I turn, I am; and my lips my skin my head my feet my body my call my blanket. Interesting how the last My is the sand and all other mys are body parts/voice. Makes the sand feel like it is becoming one with the speakers body parts. I wonder if the meter could be adjusted to emphasize this parallelism even more? Placing these phrases more consistently?
• first stanza the imagery is very clear and simple, the scene is set unquestionably
• “worthy travelers” really caught my attention, for some reason “worthy” wasn’t the word I was expecting which made it more intriguing. So the speaker thinks they are not worthy.

Some things I would have done differently:

• the phrase “the logical part of me” seems clunky compared to the more wistful, whimsical tone of the other lines. Consider reworking, although I know it’s meant to contrast with “some foolish part of me.” I think you could get away with the simpler “but I know the only one…”

Thanks for the poem!

Ooooo I really liked this one! I am a total amateur writer just on here to share my personal writing which has helped me cope so I really have no amazing feedback besides that I really liked how you pulled the piece together at the end and made one final statement, that you can’t save yourself. Really cool poem:)

I loved reading this, I enjoyed the vivid imagery! I also love the contrast in the line I dream of rain because until then it seems that the lyrical writer has been pessimistic, and that line hit me in an unexpected way. I really like the line my body has betrayed me. I love the first stanza but the last line seems a bit odd, maybe because the previous two lines are descriptive but the last line is not? I love the use of the words cracked/ peeling/ red / burned which are related to the desert to describe your lips and skin. I enjoyed this, thanks for sharing and keep writing :)

I really enjoy your rhythm here. And you back it up with substance. Lots of people can pick up a guitar and play a Zeppelin cover, but to take influence from the elements and structures and form your own melody from there is the true skill.

I liked the original final stanza more. Maybe i just like to linger with sadder endings. Hopeful is always a good note to end on, but I’m more surprised by ones that wallow.