r/OCPoetry•
[deleted]

Love Left Unanswered

Poem

[deleted]

Posted Aug 17, 2022, 8:36 PM UTC

14
Rhodemus•

Wow, the technicalities of your poem are great. I don’t com across something like that often.

I really enjoyed it, but the ending was rather sudden. Maybe you could consider putting one more verse in there, about his feelings perhaps? It would follow his feelings of doubt and confusion in the rest of the poem very well

2
dercio11•

I think you might be right. I'll think of something to add.

2
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1
EyeDeeAh_42•

Your first and second para are written so well. They make for a funny and engaging narrative. My least favourite, and perhaps most confusing was the fifth one. Your previous paragraphs had a certain rhythm going for them, which effectively breaks when it comes to the fifth. Also, there are occasions where the words seemed to have been chosen forcefully even if they don't rhyme. Like concealed/automobile, jewel/fool, Ruby/beauty etc. A gentle suggestion.... first pick out a few pairs of rhyming words that do not look forceful and fit into the theme/structure of poem that you have going on in your head. Then structure the sentences around the words. It works for me. Some sentences also stand out rather awkwardly here. For e.g: "All this time, I was a fool?" could have been read better as "All this time, was I the fool?"

Overall, this is a clever theme for a poem, and the beginning had a very nice storytelling flow going on. The end was a bit abrupt, but I liked it nonetheless. Keep writing!

1