I like this a great deal. I like how you use the sonnet form, which makes me think of Shakespeare and Elisabeth Browning and their works on love, to say something more about how love begins beautiful and ‘tame,’ but can burn a person to death. I think your rhymes work really well and do not seemed forced, and I like how you did the traditional rhyming couplet at the end. 

If I could be allowed one suggestion, I think you might consider substituting ‘brilliant’ for ‘brilliantly.’ It works better with the rhythm, and it also works with the grammar. 

Thanks for sharing :)

I think I might have just replaced heard with ‘had’. but you’re right that it can be read as hearing the flames crackle and roar as they swallow the man up. I actually quite like that reading of it, if there were another reference in the poem to the sound the flames made it would be even stronger.

Thank you for the feedback!

Any idea what you would replace “heard” with? I thought of changing it but personally I like that it’s a bit out of place, subverting expectations from the very beginning (and while you can’t hear him speak, you can certainly hear the sound of flames burning if one chose to read it that way). 

Stone and flint I admit is pretty generic, but I’m a bit surprised you would prefer a soft, gentle image. I just wanted something that captures the sudden and fierce beginning most love has so I went with the low hanging fruit.

I really like the story. The simple and effective way it paints love as fiery hot and all consuming. A willful sacrifice of flesh for warmth.  

Small nitpick, but using the word ‘heard’ feels out of place when the man in question never speaks a word but rather shows you through demonstration what love means to him. 

Also not a huge fan of the stone on flint simile. It doesn’t sharpen the imagery of striking a match for me and it doesn’t seem to point to a deeper meaning. Maybe he strikes it like a brush stroke or a hand across a cheek, something further removed. 

I greatly enjoyed the piece overall and was left wanting more.

Reading this made me feel so understood so thank you :)

That is interesting. My interpretation was that to give way to love completely without any boundaries or any active control leads to a chaos in which you will be consumed by passion and lead to your destruction. And I think I would have to stand by that interpretation to some degree, because I do think its profoundly true even if its not the ultimate point.

But now thinking about the poem and what you've said, my interpretation of the last two lines is that the man, through love, is experiencing self-transcendence, willingly casting aside his ego (his body) to be at one with love (the flame).

And I think the most meaningful aspect is that the man is able to transform the narrator's understanding of love via just allowing them to witness. He leaves behind more than ashes, he leaves behind wisdom.

I appreciate the discussion, it helped me understand the poem a lot better.

I would say OP’s meter is a little spotty in places- a couple parts to me read as spondees or antibacchius (metrical substitutions are perfectly fine so long as they don’t outnumber the base feet in a line but if you’re writing in iambs it’s best to stick to substitutes that maintain the rhythm, like anapests etc. (That being said meter is hard and different people will read things differently and scansion itself is hard so I may be wrong.))


I really enjoyed the poem though, OP did really well :)

OP’s use of the word wake is perfectly fine- to be in the wake of something typically means to follow something as a consequence.

I believe the simile in line 5 is there to set up the contrast of the harsh/exciting start to the flame and the magnificent and wonderful yet predictable and uneventful continual burning of the flame once lit- much like love starts- an exciting and risky exploration of passion that develops into something much brighter and more magnificent but more tame and predictable.

As for the last two lines, the Volta, they do relate- the twist (as I see it.) isn’t that the fire (love) consumed the man but that he had no qualms about it- it didn’t hurt and he wasn’t afraid.

That’s fair. However, a love Sonnet is a particular form with a given number of lines that has a tradition going back many hundreds of years. And the way I understand this poem, it is in dialogue with that tradition. Now, I can’t speak for the OP, but I will say that that normally when you set out to write a sonnet, part of the challenge is sticking to the conventions, including a final couplet where the rhyme scheme changes. So normally, if you didn’t feel that part worked you would try to improve it rather than scrap it.

Well that’s just how I felt reading it, I certainly am pretty unexperienced in consuming poetry outside of song lyrics.

As a novice I’m not familiar with the structural conventions of specific kinds of poetry and I certainly would like to learn more. So I understand using form as a guide to start writing a poem but I don’t understand why should OP need to stick to this specific form if their work evolves beyond it?

I am surprised you feel this way about the rhymes. I often feel this way with poems, but in this case I thought they were quite elegant.

Also, the last two lines cannot be removed because of the form. They could only be re-written.

Creatively I really enjoyed this. The story itself and the last stanza are so cool interesting and bizarre. And the subversion of expectations was really nicely done.

On the other hand there are some lyrical choices that I didn’t enjoy as much. The rhymes seem really forced in a few places like the poem was reverse engineered to ensure everything rhymed. Specifically lines 3-4 feel clunky to me, in line 5 the inclusion of the similie doesn’t really add anything, line 10 repeating “and down” feels clunky, line 12 the word wake doesn’t seem to make sense here (at least from my understanding a wake would be trailing behind someone not underneath). The repetition of ‘the shock’ wasn’t great but not egregious either. And while the last two lines are indeed shocking,  I don’t really see how they relate to the main idea of the poem. If they don’t support the main idea, I’d personally leave them out.

All that being said there were still some really strong choices made here. The contrast betw

I love the picture that this paints, and the message that it implies

I always love seeing a proper poem on here. Well done; good rhythm, structure, content, interesting use of the poetic form.

This is the kind of thing that really deserves some attention.

Amazing use of metaphor and the sonnet form.

It’s just part of the Shakespearean sonnet form

This was quite fun to read, it almost felt like I was singing along in my head to the tune. The imagery was also great, with the the end having great visual clarity. However, I was intrigued as to why the last stanza was 2 lines, when it feels like it could read better if separated into 4?

Wow this is incredible! I love the poem but I much more like the meaning behind it. Love is something so magical and beautiful, but at the same time it can hurt us without us even realizing it. This is great!!

I think this is beautifully written. I believe in Sonnet it is called a voltra, where the twist of the poem occurs. And with the flame imagery built up in S2, you'd expect the turn to be something along the line of "then the flame flutters away / and the smoke rises into his lungs." Something regarding the flame dissipating, but here you executed a great example of "misdirection", where you build up this expectation for failure, with the reader expecting the flame to just go out with the wind, but you built the flame up, and defied explanation. As it is with love, it cannot be explained, except by explaining the un-probable.

With that said, I'm unsure whether I am for or against the use of "But here's the shock". In one way it tells the reader of a sonnet, "Okay class, this is where the voltra begins". I feel for this subreddit it is acceptable, but if you were to look to get this published, and if you submit it and it gets rejected because of the voltra, it would be wise to not get d


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

So, not only do I love the rhythm this piece has as I read it in my head, but I also LOVE the ending. I would personally reword it something like, 

“Worse then the initial shock, or to me, so it seemed,
Not once did I hear him whimper, not once did I hear him scream.” 
GREAT JOB!!

Very deep and drew a very vibrant image in my mind.

I heard a man once describe love to me/

By reaching in and taking from his coat/

A tiny box that rattled having three/

Small matches, and from **them** he took one out/

Should "**them**" as currently written be "it"? I agree with LibraryOfOwls. Perhaps replace line 4 with "Small matches, and from it he took one out".

This is such a creative poem and wonderful imagery!

I really like the form and the reminders of old English poetry, however some of the wording seems more modern and casual than the rest. Notably, "and from there he took one out" I would see moreso as "and from it, one was taken" or "he'd taken one." Good poem though, keep it up!

this is so wonderful, I really like the juxtaposition of something lovely and something horrible (what ends up happening). I often find myself considering that love is very close to tragedy, and you put it in words beautifully. 

However, I would say that rhythmically your poem could improve in the first half (the last half is fine with me), especially the first 4 lines. 

Kinda feel like this was written by one of those early 1900's poets, do you read them a lot? The visual style of storytelling reminds me of things I remember loving to read from that period.

I love this poem, your imagery used here is awe-inspiring and captivating and vivid. The one thing that came to mind though, if I may be a bit critical, was at times it felt like you were stating the obvious. Leaving little room for mystery or for the reader to make up their own interpretation, some things you stated plainly when it would read better if it were a bit more elusive. I’ve been doing a Masterclass on poetry and one thing that stuck out to me in one of the lessons (that I’m trying to incoporate in my own writing) is elliptical language and omitting words that are unnecessary or don’t ‘add’ much to the story you’re trying to tell or the painting  you’re trying to paint. Like for example, you don’t \*need\* to tell us how shocking it is because that is something that the reader can already infer. Perhaps who could try explaining it in a different way like for example (a very loose example but at least you can see what I mean) : *My surprise pales by face, bulging eyes, mouth 

Damn, that’s really profound. You’re very talented.

I like the imagery! I also feel like i can relate. Love is beautiful and mesmerizing like a flame - but it can hurt too, it can consume you and burn you to ashes. I also like that you tell a story. Thank you for sharing it!

This brought tears to my eyes, so many stories that went through my mind

No more OK than Jesus suffering on the cross,who cried to God,wanting to know why he had forsaken him as he suffered.Who could possibly be worth suffering and death these days?

WOW. this was wonderful. It took and unexpected turn and that was amazing. The rhythm was great as well. This was a very interesting take on love and I love how the man was okay with the flame burning him to the ground.

I really enjoyed this. Love hurts but we don't seem to care that's what I got from it. And the beginning was like how love starts.

I heard a man once describe love to me  
By reaching in and taking from his coat  
A tiny box that rattled having three  
Small matches, and from them he took one out  

He struck it like a stone against the flint  
And with awe I watched the spark produce a flame  
Of orange light that reddened with a glint  
That burned so bright, so brilliantly and tame  

But here’s the shock, for as the flame crawled down  
And down his arm he did not flinch or shake  
Or stop the flame (my god!) from spreading ‘round  
Til only ashes lay there in his wake  

And worst of all the shock, or so it seemed  
I never heard a cry nor did he scream



1. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wr8r73/commuting/ikr4dkg/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

2. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wr2vhh/a_flower_left_out/ikr559j/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

Love Sonnet