Source
r/OCPoetry•
zeldawiiu117

an army of lungs

Poem

An exorbitant mountain of cigarettes.

What a glow when you hold one,

You squeeze it in your fingers:

You look at an army of lungs

thrown by the sidewalk

You're desperate

You're tearful and repented

But look at this army of lungs,

They have a smile printed on them.

Was it really worth it?

No!

comments on interesting poems https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wv0sb0/system_requirements/ildppyy?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wt9r8n/the_limit/ildrci4?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Posted Aug 22, 2022, 10:39 PM UTC

915
MaidenQ•

hi! love the poem. love the double meaning in the line "What a glow when you hole one" in particular.

i'm curious about a couple of word choices. in the first line, "An exorbitant mountain of cigarettes", is the word exorbitant really necessary? it seems perhaps over reinforced to say "exorbitant mountain". then in the seventh line, "You're tearful and repented", do you mean to say "repentant"? You might not mean to, it's just that with the present tense "You're" at the start of the line, the past tense "repented" seems... odd. It has a weird mouthfeel.

Both of these are up to you, I'm just wondering if you're 100% about them. Overall I thought it was great. And the army of lungs. That's a cool image.

5
zeldawiiu117OP•

with exorbitant I just mean extremely tall. I imagine myself looking at this mountain of cigarettes as tall that it's almost endless and the quantity of cigarettes surprises me.

To be honest the original poem was in italian so it could be possible that some words sound strange. I use you (singular) to make the reader empathize more with the poem but it seems that in italian it sounds better than in english.

For the word repented I didn't know the translation of "pentito" (when you feel guilty for something you did and you wouldn't do it again) so I searched it on google. With this word I meant that humanity looks at the mountain and at the lungs and feels really guilty about it. Thanks for the feedback <3

2
MaidenQ•

I think the singular you works. Also badass that you're doing poetry in two languages. <3

2
zeldawiiu117OP•

I usually write in italian but sometimes I write directly in english. To me english sounds more spontaneous but since italian is my favourite language I can use complicated words more easily with it. I translated this poem just to put it here on OCpoetry but I usually don't translate my poems.

2
zeldawiiu117OP•

also the actual poem was divided in three stanzas: one from the start to "sidewalk", one from "you're desperate" to "was it really worth it?" and the last stanza is just no! This way the first stanza's lines are decreasing in length, just like a sigarette when you consume it and the other two stanzas form a curve, that represents the cigarette being thrown away.

2
MaidenQ•

That's really cool, thank you for point it out!

2
axiomattik•

Each drag contributes to my kill count. No matter how many cigarettes I burn I can never catch up with all those damp cylandrical bodies laying extinguished in the gutter.

3
The-True-Apex-Gamer•

I think the message is clear in that it is directly against smoking. I do think that it would be better to leave out the “No!” because the message was already showing that the smoker is in a poor condition and to leave it as a retoricle would place the audience in the smokers position for at least a second.

3
zeldawiiu117OP•

To be honest I wasn't too sure to leave the "No!", but I thought that if I removed it, it would have looked like something I've already seen. Also "No!" is my personal response full of disgust to "Yeah, but look at the lungs, at least they body they were in had a good time while smoking...". Thanks for the feedback

1
[deleted]•

I'm unsure of the overall meaning. A guess is that the subject is trying to quit smoking but sees a pack of cigarettes (hypocatastasized as "an army of lungs... a smile printed on them") on the sidewalk and regretfully takes one. Alternatively, they themselves littered the box of cigarette butts. "A smile printed on them" imparts its figurative sense of a forced smile. "Exorbitant" also seems ironic. Possibility of speaker referring to themselves in second person with a detached dislike of their actions. It seems the beginning is missing periods. I would swap the colon for a period.

2
zeldawiiu117OP•

Wow, really good interpretation. The characters in this poem are both me and humanity in general. The mountain of cigarettes is the incredible amount of cigarettes that has been smoked (I never smoked but I have cleaned a beach a few times and it's full of cigarettes, they are everywhere). They army of lungs is the incredible amount of deaths that smoking caused. The "No!" at the end was my reply but the question "was it really worth it?" is asked by the world

1
SnugglyBooga•

I thought this poem was really unique, I imagined little lung soldiers. Good imagery. I would be interested in your other works.

2
zeldawiiu117OP•

I have written more than 50 poems, I already posted some of them. Thanks for the feedback

2
wideopenflame•

I think it’s wonderful. The want and regret of giving into a bad habit.

2
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