Close to me

I enjoyed this poem, and a lot is working well. The extended religious/holy metaphors in lines 4-6 comes through, and you could even continue that throughout the poem to add to the devotional aspect (if you choose). My favorite phrase was "bodies churning" in line 8, as it's not something you read every day--made me pause and appreciate the use of language.

I see how you chose to end the poem with the "tangled sheets" that started it, but it left something lacking for me. The last line is your last impression, so perhaps you could expand what the tangled sheets represent, or switch to another idea for your ending. Well done.

I like the cyclical structure of the poem (having started with "In tangled sheets" and ending the same way), as well as some of the imagery used here e.g. "Bodies churning in concert" and "golden hour..." which I thought were very creative.; adds to the intimacy of the poem.

The structuring gives the impression that the piece is an outpouring of emotion towards something that is usually kept confidential, varying sentence lengths could also convey the writer's innermost desires/feelings on the topic.

Well written and thanks for sharing!

this sounds so sweet, like warm cocoa on a cold day but it also sounds demanding, like a lion who found her prey.

sometimes, worship comes when worship is served. perhaps they would worship you as you do them if you showed them this. show them that their body is your temple, their heart and mind your prayer, and with that one day, they may worship you too, between tangle sheets.

♥️

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

I like the lines individually, but for me I found them hard to flow with, I felt like it was jumping from sentiment to sensation with out any binding. Thou I like that the last line ties back in with the beginning.

This is gorgeously sensual! Now personally speaking I feel the line "I need this" could've been skipped, the emotion from that line was already stated before and the short sentence is jarring. But overall this was lovely!