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This pieces takes a path hitting many ideas. I would rework into what you are trying to say clearly. Honing in on select few ideas you can weave smoothly throughout. I would seek out a way you can lay out a picture of these ideas you have instead of just stating them in lyrical lines. I enjoy what you are starting. Keep going.

To me this poem seems to imitate thoughts and memories of a dream, with the lack of line breaks and rambling nature, which I think is really cool. However, without any line breaks any nuances in the writing goes ignored since it all blends together. I’m focusing more on the whole poem rather then each line. I think you should try to incorporate some imagery of the dream, since this might add some variety. I’m not saying you should ditch the format, but having more elements that stand out gives people more to focus on.

To want not to need 
A yearning to succeed 
Stifled only by me 
That blissful feeling 
I crave so deep 
To come up for air 
To find my peace 
This broken dream 
I need release 


[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/j2kp71/if_sleep_is_death_being_shy/imvnn6x/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/j2kp71/if_sleep_is_death_being_shy/imvnn6x/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/mlb2g1/i_killed_myself_today/imvnsm9/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/mlb2g1/i_killed_myself_today/imvnsm9/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3)

A dream