GENERAL REMARKS

The conceit is pretty clear: Freya and their twin have a complicated relationship with their helicopter mom, which makes choosing to go to a party while a supernatural disaster is happening across town a conflicted one. Without the context of your reddit description, I’m left with one big question: are demon attacks normal in this universe? It seems that way from Cara’s reaction to the news, but I would like a little context. Are they as common as a car crash, or a hurricane, or somewhere in between? Some mention of a personal experience with a previous demon attack might help with this – maybe Freya or someone close to them encountered a demon in person once. Maybe, if you haven’t already written this part, that encounter is the reason their mom has become more protective. Just a little more detail would be nice.

MECHANICS

Title

I don’t really like any of the title options you’ve presented, but I also don’t have any better ideas so this is what I think of what you 

General thoughts:

Freya and her twin Cara are leaving their drunk mother at home to go to a house party. There are demons attacking the cities, and it's normal enough, but they're worried it might stress out their mum. 

I think the set up is that either their mum is attacked while they're at the party or the party is attacked. This doesn't have much in the way of build up for how scary the demons are. Similarly, I feel this is our world but with demon attacks - I'm not sure why it's so casual to go to house parties without any demon protection. Maybe they should order an Uber Armour X, or rub holy water in their hair before leaving. 


WRITING: 

I think starting with "It" as the object makes it hard to follow. It could be ominous but then it's a tv program so it's not really, you're more asking us to accept demons are just a part of this world - nothing to cancel your plans over. 

"clattered down the stairs behind me." sounds like you are also going down the stairs. 

I don't under

**GENERAL REMARKS**

In general, I think your big question on ‘does it work’ is ‘yes’, with some caveats. I like the idea of a book with the supernatural where it is taken seriously, kind of like Gaiman’s Constantine stuff. 

Overall, I really like the first part of this story; the description of the demon attack was exciting and felt real, and I’d say it’s a strong way to start. That said, the rest of the chapter didn’t really carry me as well, and not having a conclusion to the hook really made me feel disappointed.

**MECHANICS**

On the title, I don’t find it too angsty for a book about homicidal demons, but I do find it confusing. I’m not sure why the book would be called this because all the info I have so far is a demon attack and two young adults going out to party. 

You have one sentence I saw that was difficult and confusing to read:

>I glanced at the front door, counting the steps it would take to be out and away if she noticed I’d changed the channel, if she changed it ba

Littered a bunch of small nitpicks in the doc, but here’s my more fully-formed critique:

The mother is supposedly drunk from what the protagonist observed, but none of her actions back this up. If you want to highlight her drinking as a character vice, make it comically obvious. Have her slur her speech, or be argumentative, or act a certain way so we can determine that her drinking changes her (for better or for worse).

’Mum’ as a nickname for someone should always be capitalised. The role of being a mum is not capitalised.

I feel like your elaboration on certain things is unevenly spaced. It would make the most sense to have more elaboration in slower, less action-packed scenes (like watching the TV, or praying with Mum,) and having less elaboration in more “sudden” things (like Cara suddenly realising there’s a demon attack), as it illustrates how these events “interrupt” the protagonist’s narration, resulting in less thoughtfulness and more present, descriptive words.

Speaking 

Hello!

This is the first 1000 words of a NA contemporary fantasy novel, set in an alternative theocratic England where some people can summon and bind to 'demons'. The title may need reconsidering - is Cage of Scars too angsty?

I'm interested in whether the juxtaposition of 'normal' and fantasy works. In my mind, the demon attacks are like mass-shooting events or terror attacks - scary and disturbing but distant, until the demon on the news comes back as the antagonist later in the story.

Does it keep you interested?

Here's the [link!](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dAnlaZ2ATrjRMgniUejfnlPaXJwmLkMa2kzohr1v_zE/edit?usp=sharing)

And here's my [critique!](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/x5os8y/2270_the_seeds_of_war_prologue_version_2/in77jmi/)

[1000] Gemini - Cage of Scars