Alone

I am anxiety. I am stress. I am annoyance. I am emptiness. I’m not really ever sure if I lost myself or I myself have just always been this empty template. This template that never got painted. A template left to be blank. I thought slowly isolating myself would help. And it can. But for only as long as you are willing to put your emotions on complete pause. Numbness. Before you get a painful shot, you might get a numbing shot beforehand to relieve some of the upcoming pain. I’m tired of getting the numbing shot. I would rather just face the pain. I am tired of playing this game and pretending like I’m okay and doing well, when I’m not. I feel used. For my car. For money. For my unwavering friendship. For my inability to stop pleasing people that don’t even deserve it. I’m not a toy. I’m not here for entertainment. I’m not here so others can advance themselves.
I feel alone. I don’t feel welcome in my own house. I feel out of place in my own family’s house. I feel like I’m floating. I feel like I’m simply existing. Those who I thought were my closest friends, are not. Those who I always thought would be there , are not. Those who said they would always stay, left. Those who are still here, don’t want to be. But people leave. People find better people. People only call at their convenience. At least in my case. I’m glad I’m there for others when they need a placeholder or a listener. I’m tired of letting people in. I’m tired of believing that I’ve finally found someone in my life who genuinely cares. I’m tired of people caring when it's easy. When it requires minimal effort. I cared when it was hard for you. Why can no one do the same for me?

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x84emx/irony_thoughts_of_21_year_old_as_life_unfolds/ink5i1e/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x8skpf/perceptions/ink66lr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3