Dark Shapes Behind You
Not every dark shape behind you's your shadow,
not every red stain blinding you's blood.
The innocent man wasn't really so innocent,
let his bones bubble up through the mud.
A cruel wind is blowing so hard against you,
in the direction you really must go.
Awful memories you try so hard to forget,
are all that you really must know.
Climbing up the steep impossible path,
gets you down to the bottom it seems.
Look up and behold all the shadows,
that follow you into your dreams.
(This is why I dislike rhymes; they seem to spew out poems like machines or algorithms. Does something that already exists, an occult semblance of meaning or significance lurking within my subconscious, emerge as I'm writing, or is it more likely that certain words treated in certain ways form pleasing patterns I appreciate on multiple levels? When I tell a story, I want to tell the story I am imagining, and don't want the words to steal those images and transform them into their own selfish essence.)
Posted Sep 14, 2022, 2:54 PM UTC
I really love the dark macabre vibe and theme of this poem, im a sucker for such which is why i write a lot of poems with a theme exactly like this too. you portrayed it very well while painting a good dark picture while also adhering to the rhyme scheme very well.
My only critiques would be that "The innocent man..." line seems to come out of nowhere and doesn't have much to do with the preceding or following lines, but the picture is vivid and dark which matches the theme so it still fits a bit. i also love how the first and last lines reference the shadows and do it begins and ends on that note.
also there's so many ways to rhyme, you definitely don't have to put yourself into a box by sticking to just one within a poem, you can definitely switch up the rhyme which makes the poem feel more alive and less like "machines or algorithms" and also gives you a lot more flexibility, and would allow you to say that second line in different wording that may fit more.
Only real critique is that second line, everything else is beautiful from the theme, vibe, rhyme, and twist with the last line and the symbolism. very well done! keep writing and experimenting with rhyme and non-rhymes
Yeah, I actually obsess on stuff like that out-of-place "innocent man" nonsense. I liked how it sounded, and the picture it painted, and that image is what I used as the illustration in my book on Amazon. But I agree, it doesn't belong in this poem. I guess I should consider building a different poem around it.
That said, I don't really care for poetry all that much! This and my other dozen or so poems were pretty much experimental content for my now defunct blog which I turned into two books.
My sentiment on rhyming is elaborated at the end, as you know.
Yeah that was mainly as an objective critique standpoint, from a personal biased standpoint, i also love the "innocent man" line precisely because it stands out so much and makes you question the meaning and who the innocent man is and etc, plus it gives a vivid and dark visual befitting the whole poem. i have whole poems dedicated to such outlandish and dark yet borderline nonsensical just because the visual or the feel, i love doing that. but considering your poetry is just experimentation and you dont like poetry much, you certainly got quite the eye for it, at least transcendental macabre/gothic types. also congrats on 2 whole books, thats dope!
Thank you. Also, somehow my poems have elicited an extreme animosity against me by certain members of the community, which I expected might happen but still don't really understand.
you're welcome. the nature of poetry is subjective and its foundation is subjectivity, plus people all have different tastes, so some hate or backlash is sure to abound, even if it appears random. but that just means you poetry is provocative enough to illicit such a strong response, which can also be taken as a good thing. but also negative backlash now means its more likely to gain traction as tides of opinion shift